Drunken Mess:

“Alcoholic” college student seeks partner of same gender interested in being a “sober friend.” Has to take care of me on weekend nights (and sometimes Tuesday afternoons) and enjoy being sober all the time. Should have some experience with holding back hair when somebody has to puke, as well as cleaning that shit up when I’m done. Preferably have some medical knowledge, or at least know how to get to drunk tank.

Proctor Crush:

Tired of the same old sausage? M/19 looking for that special kind of female; the one that can make (and take) multiple paninis simultaneously. Also, must be able to distinguish between teaspoons and soupspoons. I enjoy long walks on stone patios, browsing overpriced college bookstores, and romantic dinners in woodstove lounges. If you think you could be the one, meet me by the silverware. Anorexics need not apply.