Snitch Murdered For Being “A snitch”

During the Quidditch World Cup one Josh Aichenbaum, a famous Middlebury Snitch, was shot and killed in the Bronx for being ‘a snitch.’

It all began with the movement of the World Cup from Middlebury College to New York City. In hopes to finally fit the entire league into one tournament, the Intercollegiate Quidditch Association expanded the area of play to include all five boroughs of New York City. The association’s head, Alex Benepe, was unruffled by the idea that some of these areas may be dangerous for players, asking, “Who would ever hurt people running around on broomsticks?” Not even statements from NYPD saying “We have no interest in attempting to protect these freaks, they’re lambs to the slaughter” would stop this move.

As a result, on Saturday afternoon Mr. Aichenbaum found himself attempting to hide from Seekers up around Gun Hill Road, as the Amherst-Princeton game raged on in a nearby parking lot. The Amherst and Princeton seekers later stated that, not being able to find Aichenbaum for nearly five minutes, they began asking people if they had seen ‘a snitch.’ The response was considerable. “I guess they felt strongly about Quidditch,” said Amherst seeker Ronald Andersen, “because once I started asking about the Snitch, they began pulling weapons out and asking what ‘dis motherfucking snitch’ looked like. Needing help, I gave them as much detail as possible.”

Using the description of ‘a whitey in yellow,’ the word was raised throughout the area that ‘a snitch was in town.’ A resident known only as ‘D-Dog’, accompanied by associates ‘D-Cat’ and ‘D-Goldfish’, soon located Aichenbaum outside a bodega. He fled from their bullets by cart wheeling inside, hoping to hold out for the police. Instead, the store owner shot and killed him. When reached for comment the owner, Dhruba Banerjee, would only say that as an ex-con, he “had no patience for goddamn snitches.”

As of the release of this publication, the New York Police Department refused to take action, keeping to their barebones press statement— “I told you so.”

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