CRAMPUS EXCLUSIVE: Monterey Institute Actually Training Site For Laser Dolphins

The Monterey Institute for International Studies was recently revealed to be home to a program that trains dolphins for military purposes. The program, code-named BLOWHOLE, instructs dolphins on the usage of lasers, mines, and echolocation to destroy enemy ships and combatants.

In the 1960s the U.S. Navy Marine Mammal Program (NMMP) was formed to study the military potential of dolphins. This program grew under a massive secret budget until it was forced to be declassified in the 1990s. After that, all the resources of the NMMP were diverted to a clandestine group of scientists in Monterey. Led by Sunder Ramaswamy, this eventually grew into the Monterey Institute, which used the cover of a graduate school to continue to train dolphins. In 2005, Ramaswamy had a chance meeting with President Ronald Liebowitz at SeaWorld. This was followed by a series of martini lunches and late night phone calls, that eventually led to the affiliation of the Monterey Institute with Middlebury College.

This past Thursday, President Liebowitz held a conference to address the issue. “I am sorry it had to come out like this,” he stated, “but you have to understand. The only reason Middlebury still makes a profit is due to the Monterey Institute’s dolphins, which we sell to governments across the world for about a million apiece. The continued breeding and training of these dolphins at Monterey is key to Middlebury’s growth.” Liebowitz went on to cite possible ways that Monterey could further be integrated into Middlebury, such as allowing biology majors to intern with the dolphins.

Reaction across campus has been mostly positive. Many students support the dolphin program, saying “at least laser dolphins are cooler than Quidditch” and “that’s fucking awesome.” Even the faculty and administration have responded well; when asked for comment, Dean of the College Tim Spears said, “It’s about goddamn time someone told me what the fuck they did at the Monterey Institute.”

As of press time, Ramaswamy and the other Monterey scientists are purported to be working on teaching baby seals to fire thermonuclear weapons.

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