Middlebury, VT –  Two Middlebury College students, Sal Tessio and Peter Clemenza, were arrested at 5:26 AM for organizing a money laundering scheme that targeted the college’s funds allocated for clubs and other activities on campus. The pair supposedly led a J-Term workshop focused on the production of olive oil and its illustrious history on lower east side of Manhattan when actually they were instructing students not on how an olive could lose its virginity (a truly absurd concept if one were to ruminate on the matter, though actually maybe not because maybe when you push out the little red pit some guy thought he was being all clever but in actuality was just being immature. I don’t know that’s really my only guess) but rather how to make the books appear legitimate for clubs that seemingly should have rather simple expenditures. Leaders of such activities as Quiz Bowl, Intramural Broomball and every a cappella group were purported to have been seen attending the workshop. When Ron Liebowitz was reached for comment about how he could let such a fiasco happen, he merely denied any involvement and informed Crampus field journalist Diane Keaton, “to never ask [him] about [his] business.”