The Middlebury cheer squad captain announced to the entire football team today, during the weekly “Sexual Entercourse, a Xenium” session, that the cheerleaders have accepted Jesus Christ into their lives and agreed upon a chastity vow. The freshmen, having just learned about sex from the upper classmen, looked towards their teachers for some sort of guidance in their reaction. The captain buried his head in his hands, threw his hands in the air (oxford comma?) and exclaimed, “It’s about time!” The rest of the football team chimed in with a “hip-hip-hooray”, a “huzzah” or two, and went to shower.
In an exclusive shower-interview with the football captain, Meeplays Bol, he explained that team was “…beyond fed up with the stereotypical implications that society ever so rudely places onto sports teams. I, as well as the remaining team, are relieved that our women have the capacity to focus on non-sexual activities on the weekends.” When asked about the reputation of the relationship between the cheer squad and the football team, Bol remarked, “Society, as a whole, assumes that the moral integrity of our team is nonexistent. This, however, is an invalid and unsound assumption. We are wholesome Christians and we’d rather not drink at all or have sexual relations with girls who twirl around with pom poms. It’s irrelevant to our careers and immature.” Bol shuttered as he finished the word “poms.”
Though a basketball player, Kobe Bryant learned of the chastity vow and released the following statement: “My recent legal trouble is a result of these difficult and often awkward situations created by these sexually driven women; they’re just, like, insane with the whole sex thing. Us men can’t handle it.” Tiger Woods began to make a statement, but a Swedish, recently divorced, ex-model in the back of the room began hurling baseballs towards his face and he had to leave.
Though the cheerleading team’s asexual behavior has been mimicked throughout football teams in America, some sports have not adopted the change. The Middlebury tennis team, for instance, when told about the vow, threw their ever-present rackets at the window and pouted while looking occasionally towards people in the room, presumably to see if they were paying attention to how cool they were.
Oddly enough, the Middlebury cheerleading squad declined the opportunity to comment, stating, “We are (like) releasing a (like) formal statement to (like) proclaim that we are (like) declining to form (like…like) an opinion on this.” The squad was seen wearing pants and turtlenecks during practice on Monday and working on some new cheers, which include “Ab-sti-nence”, “We Are Not Panthers”, “I Heart Christ”, and “T-H-U-M-P-E-R, Bible Thumpers!” The squad has also agreed to abolish any sexual innuendos during conversations, such as “He just got stuck between those two guys and couldn’t get out!” and “How many balls did he grab last night?”
The football team has begun this week’s practices in sweatpants and now wears foam pads surrounding their entire bodies to prevent badass bruising. The team, now resembling a bunch of marshmallows with no sex drive (not that marshmallows have sex drive anyways), reportedly focuses more on practicing. The quarterback hasn’t been caught day-dreaming (go ahead, day dream), the receiver doesn’t have a hangover, and the coach has agreed to quit yelling because of the team’s excellent manners.
After The Campus covered the chastity vow and its effects on sports teams around the country, the cheerleaders decided to ban the chastity vow, arguing that the banning of something was “…stupid…” The football players heard of the ban against the ban against sex and decided to ban their ban against the ban against sex. Banning the bans unbanned the man and the man unbanned ran and ran to have sex with the closest girl he could find.