Greg Locker is a sloppy mess. Why? The Great American Challenge. The time honored challenge worthy of an ESPN profile. Take one five hundred piece puzzle, one thirty rack of your brew of choice, and one eighth of grade-A mara-jah-juana. Two teams. four to six members per side. The first team to finish wins the bragging rights and the glory.
Greg Locker is training. Last year saw the graduation of half of Harry Slahnte’s four man squad. “I saw a opening and I know Harry from Rugby. I had to take it.” Greg says as he exhales a superb bong rip. “I’ve been on a pretty strict schedule since the summer. Knocking back five beers a night, ten on Fridays and Saturdays. Always gotta pack up a few bowls or roll up a couple sumpin’ sumpins’ for the evening’s activities also.”
Greg’s been keeping his mind limber, working through Disney’s line of photo mosaic puzzles. “These puzzles man, they’re like a puzzle within a puzzle, right? Cause a mosaic is just a picture made up of smaller pictures. I gotta put the puzzle of Tigger pictures together and then turn these mini Tiggers into the big Tigger. It’s a puzzle within a puzzle. Wait a minute…It’s INCEPTION! Woah. Those guys were totally like, “WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER” when they gave Tigger that beach ball. The one bad thing about these puzzles, sometimes I think the pieces are cheese-its, but then I remember and spit the cardboard out.”
Are studies a problem when training so intensively for this event? Not for Greg. For Greg, the puzzles are all the stimuls he needs. “Studies? We DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ STUDIES! You learn a lot about yourself from these puzzles broseph. Like, don’t ever let Jafar get his hands on that lamp. Bad shit’ll go down dude. I’ve got a calc midterm tomorrow but I’m not worried about it. It’s all just letters anyways. I don’t even know why they call it math.” Greg will almost certainly be a shoe-in for Slahnte’s squad if he keeps imbibing at his current rate and I, for one, am looking forward to another exciting display of fucked-up tomfoolery.
Note: At the time of publishing, Greg Locker has been placed on academic probation. When asked for his thoughts on the matter he promptly threw up all over a Little Mermaid photo mosaic.