public safety log: the entries that you didn’t read about

DATE TIME INCIDENT CATEGORY LOCATION DISPOSITION
2/14/10 11:03 a.m. Theft Girlfriend My heart Angela baby, please come back!
2/23/10 2:42 p.m. Unlawful trespassing Minority Ross Quad Campus evacuated
3/1/10 3:29 a.m. Excretion Number Two Mead Chapel Left for the janitors
3/10/10 8:54 a.m. Adultery Naughty professor, dirty schoolgirl Twilight 204 Referred to The Police’s song “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”
3/20/10 12:16 p.m. Hot girl bent over Spandex Ross Dining Left speechless
3/29/10 4:44 a.m. UFO Flying saucer Over Battell Beach We’re all going to be abducted
4/05/10 4:31 p.m. Theft Student Hadley Did anybody know what this guy looked like?
4/13/10 7:30 p.m. Disturbance Paradiddles McCullough Referred to a voice teacher
4/23/10 10:37 a.m. Terrorism Road Bomb Old Chapel Road Public Safety underqualified to deal with this

Reports of 543.12 alcohol citations given out, 96.32% of which were to Battell freshmen.

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