Cook Commons Forced to Slaughter Mascot Due to Swine Flu

Due to anxieties about swine flu, the Cook Commons staff was forced to slaughter their mascot yesterday. ‘Oinky,’ a pig who had been a beloved part of Cook for nearly five years, was decapitated yesterday on Battell Beach. “I’m sorry, Oinky!” sobbed Dean Karl Lindholm as he lifted a large axe. “I’m so sorry!”

Oinky first joined Cook Commons in 2005, when some Cook freshmen rescued him from a Hawaiian Club luau. He was soon adopted by all of Cook’s students and staff, even being given his own mud pen in the basement of Battell. Many Cook students, past and present, fondly remember good times with Oinky. “As a freshman, anytime I was homesick,” said Cook sophomore Devon Wright, “Oinky would come by my room and squeal at me until I felt better. He just always knew how to take care of us.” Oinky also was a hero during the Great Battell Blaze of 2007, dragging over twenty kids to safety.

Despite his many years of service to Cook Commons and the college community as a whole, Oinky became a liability once swine flu hit the United States. “We held off killing him for a long time,” said a despondent Dean Lindholm. “We couldn’t bare the thought of losing Oinky. But we also just couldn’t take the chance of him infecting and killing all of us, even after the epidemic died down.” Lindholm’s eyes glazed over as he proceeded to stare at a framed photo of Oinky in a bassinet while tears rolled down his face. “Oh, Oinky,” he whispered softly.

After Oinky was decapitated, he was slowly roasted over a fire and served with a creamy maple sauce.

Leave a Reply