Tool Bookworm Monopolizing Bathroom…Again

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Complete toolbag Feb, Henry Doyle ’12.5, was caught doing his homework in the bathroom again.

According to eyewitnesses of the scene, Doyle walked down Gifford Hall as usual, clothed in only a towel, and carrying nothing but his 19th Century American Literature homework and a fluorescent pink bag of pencils. He reportedly proceeded to lock himself into the bathroom for four and a half hours and, in that time, read the entirety of Henry David Thoreau’s highly canonized Walden.

Ivy Marshall, a non-Feb and complete normal student, was appalled by Doyle’s blatant disregard for common decency.

“It’s one thing to bring People or shitty student publications like the Crampus into the bathroom,” Marshall explained, “but those are books. They’re cogitated pieces of literature, man. Have some respect.”

Other regularly admitted students have also noted Doyle’s bizarre studying habits. Sarah Connelly ’12 hates having to go to class, because all routes inevitably take her past a bathroom. “When you walk by, “she said, “you can hear him underlining passages and erasing notes he’s scribbled in the margins. It’s gross. It really is. It has a rhythmic precision to it that gets stuck in your head. You never know whether he’s going to be in the bathroom or not, so I just don’t leave the building anymore.”

Most say Henry Doyle is not the only Feb acting out in this peculiar manner. Bart Johnson prefers to increase his pace and run past bathrooms so he doesn’t have to hear “one of those Febs” closing his book and coming out of the bathroom looking all happy.

Rebecca Glass shares similar sentiments. She explained, “Last week I saw a female Feb go into the bathroom in the library with a gigantic tome of Shakespeare’s collected works. I left in the afternoon, after napping like a normal person, and came back the next day only to find her still in there. I could hear her whispering her favorite lines from Love’s Labor’s Lost and Romeo and Juliet between exasperated breaths. It’s not healthy what they’re doing. It really isn’t. I think it’s their perverse means of calling out for help. The spotlight’s worn off of them. They’re no longer helping malnourished students in Uganda, and they simply don’t know what else to do. It’s sad. It really is.”

Whatever the Febs’ motivation, it’s apparent their behavior is making regular students uncomfortable. Adolph Goebbel ’11 has proposed a campus-wide eradication of all Febs that has met an equal roar of approval as dissent. Although the college has not officially approved Goebbel’s plan, all Febs will soon be required by college mandate to carry a hallway pass to go to the bathroom, and, as early as next semester, will have to pay a parking meter tax of twenty-five cents per half hour for all time spent in an enclosed toilet area.

Other measures may be enacted, but have not yet been divulged to the public.

Paul Herman, another human being/ not-Feb, summed up the situation and the campus’ response to this mass endemic by disclosing the following:

“Sometimes I go to the bathroom after one of those Feb-things have been in there, you know, just to do normal stuff like brush my teeth, floss, take a shower and then jack off and I just can’t. There are pencil shavings everywhere and eraser smudge marks on the walls. It just puts me right out of mind. It’s just not right.

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