Meddling Kids Unmask Leibowitz

In a development that rocked the Middlebury community, President of the College Ronald D. Leibowitz was revealed to be the ghost that was haunting the old Stone Mill.

The College had purchased the Mill last January from previous owner James Berrien. At the time of the purchase, nobody could understand why, after signing the contract, Berrien said, “Aha! Take it. You deal with the goddamn ghost!” Upon hearing of this exclamation, staff and students alike laughed it off. In the meanwhile, Berrien was reportedly seen wandering around town in a large coat, muttering about ghosts.

All was quiet for a few weeks, until the first incident. “I was working on a lollipop sculpture of Middlebury,” said sculptor Mike Angelo ’10, “and left the Mill to buy some more lollipops. When I returned, it was to find my sculpture in ruins, and to see a large white ghost licking one of my lollipops as he flew out the other door.” Angelo was not the only person affected at the Mill. The sexy bluegrass band The Banjo Boobs were unable to practice, due to the constant sex noises being made in the room above them. When the drummer went to check it out, all she saw was “a tall white ghost fly out the window.” Gradually, activities at the old Stone Mill were ground to a halt, as everybody was too scared to go in there anymore.

This October, however, a group of four student detectives and their pet Great Dane decided to solve the mystery. The started by poking around the mill to find some clues. After a run-in with the ghost that resulted in them all running through different doors in the Stone Mill while a catchy beat played, the gang set an elaborate trap. While the trap went awry, they still managed to catch the alleged ghost, and revealed the culprit behind the plot to be none other than Leibowitz himself. Middlebury faculty expressed mixed opinions on the matter. Scott Barnacle was shocked, saying, “Like, jeepers man! Ron was such a groovy dude!” Karen Guttentag was less surprised: “At first I was like, ‘Jenkies!’ but when I thought about it, it made perfect sense: by scaring Berrien out of the building, Ron could convince him to sell it for cheap.”

President Liebowitz did admit to this plan, adding, “And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!” As of press time, he was locked up in Rutland County Jail.

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