While the no-mow zones initially appear to be a shortsighted sacrifice of the aesthetic integrity of our campus for tiny cost savings, they are in fact crucial to the Liebowitz administration’s fundraising efforts. Since the summer, the no-mow zones have grown to resemble natural habitats for foxes. Since the 2004 banning of fox hunting in England, many wealthy British aristocrats have been left completely without any opportunity to chase a single fox with a pack of hounds over miles of territory. Middlebury hopes to charge the unsatiated aristocrats for the privilege of hunting foxes through the Vermont countryside. In tough budgetary times, Middlebury is seeking to open new sources of revenue beyond the familiar triad of tuition, endowment, and bake sales and the opportunities for revenue raising presented by our vast tracts of land simply seemed to good to pass up.

Huntmaster Liebowitz praised the opportunity and ingenuity of introducing the new Middlebury foxhunting initiative. “Middlebury at last has a chance to become a leader in liberal arts development of fox hunting in the 21^st century. Combined with our acquisition of the Monterey sportfishing institute, Middlebury has developed the physical resources to become a leader in a wide variety of pursuit themed activities. The no-mow zones significantly reduce our carbon output, bringing us closer to the goal of 2016 carbon neutrality. Unfortunately, this revenue raising measure, along with other attempts to raise money significantly raise our hot air emissions as well.

While some members of the Middlebury college community may protest this bold new approach to fundraising, they are mostly known whiners and were not consulted for this article.