This semester, a new club will be joining the ranks of Middlebury College’s student activities: the Saturday Afternoon Coalition (SAC). The SAC is a campus organization dedicated to increasing the on- and off-campus silence and indifference about climate change, as well as working towards environmental in-activism. “We want to show Middlebury just how important it is that we focus on our own needs and not worry about the Earth,” said founder John ExxonMobil. A child of parents who ran oil companies, John always felt there was something lacking in the environmental dialogue. “Nobody was presenting a case for why we should ignore the environment and just do our thing,” said John. “Instead, Al Gore and his friends just gang up on anyone who wants to drill a little oil or drive a Hummer. Well, no more. The buck stops here.” With that, John pulled on his baby seal coat and walked out of our interview.

The SAC has already garnered a lot of attention. Within seconds of forming, it had raised over one trillion dollars in fundraising. Donations came in from all over the world, though mainly from the United States, Venezuela, China, and the Middle East. “We think this kid is a real hero for standing up for what we all believe in,” said Peter Voser, the CEO of the Shell oil company and the largest donator. “If only there were more brave more souls like him.” Mr. Voser was so touched he had to turn away and wipe his tears on his genuine dodo towel.

In the meantime, the SAC already has big plans. Within the next few weeks there is already planned a tire bonfire, a Hummer race, and a student symposium titled “Holes in the Ozone, Melting Glaciers, and Other Modern Myths.”

As of press time, the Sunday Night Group was still too toked to make a response.