Recession Hits Middlebury Sports

It seems no one can run from the recession these days, as poor economic conditions have finally come to affect Middlebury Sports. In an un-characteristically Communist maneuver from the liberal arts college, each team on campus is being forced to give up one piece of their playing equipment.
In an interesting move, the football team has given up helmets. When asked why not the arm bands with their numbers on them instead, Kicker Anthony Kuchan answered “ Bro, are you serious?.” The team is already suffering from their lack of head protection. After a monstrous hit suffered against Colby, quarterback Donnie Mckillop was carted off the field claiming he was Adam Sandler. His status for next game relies on whether coaches can convince him his next role is The Waterboy. Some players are seeing the bright side of the situation, however, as defensive tackle Patrick Downey pointed out that a lack of helmets allows fans to “see the face behind the excessive, un-needed celebratory dance for stopping the running back after a 30 yard gain”.
The basketball team has given up their hoops. Home games are now decided by who can do the best impression of Yao Ming placing an order at a fancy steak house. Williams remains unbeaten at Pepin since the change. Baseball has opted to give up cups, deciding that the amount of steroids needed to compete at the next level will kill their chances of having children anyways. The swim team has traded in their bathing suits. Attendance to meets has increased tenfold.
Quidditch, after their strong argument that they have already given up dignity was denied, has finally decided to give up their brooms, a detrimental mistake for the nubile sport. With the allure of the broom gone, fans are slowly starting to see Quidditch for the sport it really is; handball where a giant piece of corn randomly runs onto the field with a corn turd hanging out of it’s back. However, the sport has retained some dignity by being able to keep a loyal following despite the recession; a crowning achievement despite the fact that ninety percent of the fans having down syndrome and only watching the sport because college students running around with capes makes them feel a little less retarded.
The only sport unaffected by the recession is Lacrosse. In fact, they’ve seemed to prosper during these harsh economic times. Not only has the team not had to give up any equipment, they’ve made new additions to the field and locker room. Additions include jewel-encrusted cups, massage chairs in front of each locker, a scrawny freshmen assigned to each player to compliment their hair and beer-crushing abilities throughout the day and, amazingly, a trained panther which will perform a different martial art at the beginning of each home game.
Fans can only hope that a new decade will bring about economic prosperity and Middlebury Sports can return to the way they should be played. Except swimming… swimming’s better now.

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