I feel in a daze. My heart longs for Seriozha! I did not realize how emotional seeing him would be. This is terrible I love him so much.  Oh, here is this beautiful picture of him.  Now he is thinner, longer, he has grown so much.  I missed out on all of who he is. For what? Oh for Vronsky. He is beautiful too. But does he love me unconditionally?  He is the one who put me in this state of misery.  Even though we love each other I cannot understand why he is not her to share in my unhappinness. I am not sure that he even loves me anymore.  I mean,  we are not even sleeping together! Oh no, have I given up Seriozha for the love of a man who may have stopped loving me!  But I love him. I love Vronsky.

Oh gosh, I have to go.  The nanny has handed me Ani. Oh this terrible little girl. I hate when her little pink face smiles at me.  I guess I must go care for her.  But it is not the same as Seriozha.  I care for him so intensely and deeply, I love him so much.  This little girl is just a burden.

AK

So I have finally seen him! My sweet Seriozha. It was not without difficulty, I had to sneak into the luxiourious apartment in the early morning. Luckly the doorman remembered me and let me through.

He was sleeping.  So peaceful and beautiful.  I just could not help myself. I could not stop hugging him, even though he was asleep.  He woke, with the most gorgeous smile. He was so happy that I was there. He just wriggled into my arm and pressed closely against me.  It was incredible, I never want to loose that bond with my son. I even began tear up a bit.

Then the babysitter walked in, to tell me that Kerinin was coming. I was forced to leave. And worst of all I ran into Kerinin on my way out! I really had to flee. And in my rush I forgot to give Seriozha his toys!

AK

Lydia, the babysitter, has finally returned my call.  She says I should not go and see my son.  What does she know! I am sure that he misses me and she is only jealous of me.  I am a great mother and she must know it.  But get this, in her text message back to me (she does not even have the nerve to call!) she says that Serioza would be shattered by my presence and that he thinks I am dead!  His ideals shattered!  I will show him true love!  I can’t stand this girl Lydia! I am furious!

AK

Ok. We are in the suburbs of NYC. It is nice and still removed.   However, I want to go to the City to visit my son and Vronsky needs to do business with his brother and divide their property.  This will be quite the test. Our love is perfect when it is just the two of us.  But I am feeling a bit insecure.  What will happen when we enter our past and see friends of the City?

Though, all I really want to do is see my dear Seriozha! I can think of nothing but him.  Though getting to see him may be more difficult than I thought! I have emailed the babysitter to ask permission to visit and she has yet to respond! He is my son, and I have every right to visit him.  Where is he and why won’t she write back to me.  I am his mother!

AK

So life is continuing here in Europe. I find it quite pleasant.  Vronsky is picking up all sorts of new talents. He is reading, finding interest in politics, and his latest endeavor is photography. How creative! He is rather talented.  But I think he got a bit disenchanted the other day when we visited the gallery of a professional black and white photographer. His portrait were stunning and Vronsky even paid for him to take photos of me! Vronsky must still think I am gorgeous.

Despite his new passions, Vronsky is a bit bored. I don’t want him to be unhappy.  Perhaps we should head back to New York.  He must find it hard not to be constantly socializing.  It is difficult at times to be in this relationship.  People do judge. But I imagine it will be worse in NYC.  But that is ok, Ill go home. It would be nice to see my son. I am really missing him! So it will be great to visit him. I wonder if he has grown.   

AK

Oh Europe! Vronsky and I have decided to travel to Europe.  What a romantic escape.  It is just the two of us, truly lovely! I am rapidly returning to great health and feel extraordinarily happy.  Vronsky is a continual delight to me.  He is constantly attentive; he seems to show no regret for sacrificing his career for me.  I would love to find an imperfection, but I swear he is absolutely perfect!

Though I must admit, we avoid New Yorker’s for the life of us.  If we hear someone is from Manhattan, we usually veer away.  No need for them to judge our relationship.  But  most people are quite tactful and understanding of our relationship.  Though, I must admit I am still rather sensitive to the initial judgment of acquaintances.

Ahh. To be away! How I love to travel. Life is so much easier!

AK

Kerinin knows it. I do not actually love him. Not the way he wants me too. He must realize that I hate him and the world demands us to divorce. So, he has gone out to get a divorce again.

Vronsky found out that a divorce will go through. He has come, showering me with gifts and kisses. He is so excited to be with me. I do love him and I want to be with him, but I cannot. This would mean I would have to give up Seriozah. I can’t get a divorce. I want to be happy with Vronsky but not by getting a divorce. I can’t stop the tears. I love both Seriozah and Vronsky.

However, can I really live with Kerinin? He is right, we cannot live together. I loathe him!

It is decided. Vronsky, is not going to work in a new office. Instead he is going to whisk me off to Europe. How romantic! (Although I am sad to leave Seriozah alone in the house with Kerinin). But indeed, I am happiest to be with Vronsky. Europe is the only place we can go.

AK

Oh, I wish I had died. It would make everything easier. I would not have to play the game of repentant wife. I would not have to ignore my love for Vronsky. I cannot pursue our ill-fated love. I have no destiny. I have fallen from grace. Dyeing would have been so much easier.

I have woken up from a dark coma. The doctors all thought I was going to die. It seemed that I should have died. But I am here. I should be well soon.

Kerinin takes care of Ani. But perhaps too much. He is quite taken by her. But he did not even think I could brest feed her. That is the one thing I can do as a mother. But Kerinin. His presence makes me repulsed. Eww. I just hate being around him.

Vronksy is leaving for a business trip soon. Apparently he tried to commit suicide. But he missed! How I would love to see him. He has emailed and begged me to come visit him before he leaves. I will ask Kerin what he thinks I should do or if I can go visit him. Oh but really! I should never see Vronsky again. It is not right. I am deciding never to see him again!

Oh good. Kerinin has come. He ran into Vronsky on his way see me. Vronsky is so scared for my death (as am I). He has been waiting outside all day and night, crying, hoping I am not to die. How I love him.

But Kerinin is here. After all, I do want to see him. I told him I loved our son more than anything. I just babbled in a somewhat delirious state. I want him to know that I had a husband who does not himself know how good he is, he is a truly good man. I am ecstatic of affection for him. He is my husband and I want to make sure we understand each other before I die. I only want one thing, and that is his forgiveness!

Vronsky must also look at Kerinin. He must understand what a man he is to allow our relationship. They too must forgive eachother. How will they understand my love for each of these men, the only way is to see each other before I die.

Oh the pain! Ahhh! Everything hurts. I must sleep.