I am so ill. I fear I will die any day now. I have given birth to a daughter, Ani. But I cannot even think of her. It will not matter, because I am sure to die.

I have texted Kerinin that I am dying. For some reason I feel that I need to see him before I die. I want his forgiveness. He must come before I die. I need him to know that I did care for him and that I need him to forgive me. Oh Kerinin, come before I die!

So Kerninin is off finding some fancy lawyer. Probrobaly paying millions. Fine by me. I woul like to live wtih Vronsky without worrying about Kerinin. However, I cannot loose my son. I am the one who cares for him. Kerinin has never loved him the way I do.

But enough of that. I am more concerned that I am going to have this dreadful child any day now. Did I mention that I had a dream about dying in child birth? I am convinced my death is immanent. The dream must be true. I deserve death for all I have done. Perhaps it is the ultimate result of my love for Vronsky. I will not survive the birth.

I confessed.

I told my husband everything. It was not necessarily intentional. I just couldn’t keep it within me. When I saw Vronsky fall like that, when I thought he could be injured, I realized that I could care for no one but him. Still, I am inconsolable at the thought of him not being here for me. But most importantly, as a result of my emotions, I told Karenin of the affair. Not just of my sexual indiscretion but of my love. That I LOVE Vronsky!

Karenins reaction was not what I thought. He was not mad or mean; he just looked sort of like a ghost, completely immobile. He was looked solid and yet fallen. Well, as always his is concerned with his work and himself and only desires that he does not share my shame.

I do look forward to seeing Vronsky tonight. Mostly I am relieved. I am so glad to get that off my chest. It was such a horrible lie. Seeing Vronsky tonight will be so freeing!
ak

I am glad for this taxi ride back to my house. It gives me some time to collect my thoughts before I see my husband. I am not sure why I feel so strangely nervous to see him Yes, I have a bit of a crush on Vronsky, but its harmless (right?). I do look forward to seeing my son. He makes everything simple and right. Oh but, Vronsky. What a different life he leads. I am sort of ashamed to even be thinking of him. But really I have nothing wrong

*Updated via blackberry

Oh my gosh! I just saw Vronsky. I stepped out of the cab just for a moment and there he was! You would never believe what he told me. Oh I don’t know if I can repeat it, but yet I have to, indeed what he said is amazing. He told me that he was there to be with me. That he could not resist me. I feel the same, I want to be with him. But I did what I had to and I told him to forget it and that I can’t even see him.

For whatever reasons I am just attracted to him in a way that I start to forget my sense of self and morals, and I definitely forget about my husband. His presence can lead to no good.

* Updated via black berry

Ugh, I am exhausted. I just reached home. It was great to see my son. I did miss him. But oh my husband! How have I never noticed how big his ears are? And what an annoying voice! He bothers me so! But maybe it is because I have been away. Oh but no, it must be Vronsky that is occupying my mind, distancing me from my husband. I no longer feel intimate with this strange man that I have been married to for so long. Oh that cannot be so. He is truly a good man. I must love him, right?

AK

So after visiting Dolly, I have settled her some. It seems she was in quite a fright about her dear husband Stiva cheating on her. Yes, it is wrong for him to have an affair, but no need to loose your husband over it. Stiva, is my brother and I will do much for him and I of course love Dolly too. I could not stand to see the devolution of their marriage. Infedelity is an interesting thing. It is clear that for Stiva, marriage is truly secondary but it is all that Dolly has! Of course she is upset over his petty affairs. But really, did he do anything that bad? I am not sure what I would do if my husband would cheat on me. If it is just sexual, well then maybe its ok. But when it comes to love, if he loved her, then I am not sure I could ever love him again. Ahh, but it does not matter. I have comforted Dolly. I have showed her that Stiva feels miserable about his infidelity and is truly repentant. I assured her he will not betray her again. I am glad that Dolly has enough love in her heart to forgive my brother.
Now that all settled, I am quite looking forward to the dance tonight. What will I wear? I wonder if Vronsky will come?