Kerinin knows it. I do not actually love him. Not the way he wants me too. He must realize that I hate him and the world demands us to divorce. So, he has gone out to get a divorce again.

Vronsky found out that a divorce will go through. He has come, showering me with gifts and kisses. He is so excited to be with me. I do love him and I want to be with him, but I cannot. This would mean I would have to give up Seriozah. I can’t get a divorce. I want to be happy with Vronsky but not by getting a divorce. I can’t stop the tears. I love both Seriozah and Vronsky.

However, can I really live with Kerinin? He is right, we cannot live together. I loathe him!

It is decided. Vronsky, is not going to work in a new office. Instead he is going to whisk me off to Europe. How romantic! (Although I am sad to leave Seriozah alone in the house with Kerinin). But indeed, I am happiest to be with Vronsky. Europe is the only place we can go.

AK

Oh, I wish I had died. It would make everything easier. I would not have to play the game of repentant wife. I would not have to ignore my love for Vronsky. I cannot pursue our ill-fated love. I have no destiny. I have fallen from grace. Dyeing would have been so much easier.

I have woken up from a dark coma. The doctors all thought I was going to die. It seemed that I should have died. But I am here. I should be well soon.

Kerinin takes care of Ani. But perhaps too much. He is quite taken by her. But he did not even think I could brest feed her. That is the one thing I can do as a mother. But Kerinin. His presence makes me repulsed. Eww. I just hate being around him.

Vronksy is leaving for a business trip soon. Apparently he tried to commit suicide. But he missed! How I would love to see him. He has emailed and begged me to come visit him before he leaves. I will ask Kerin what he thinks I should do or if I can go visit him. Oh but really! I should never see Vronsky again. It is not right. I am deciding never to see him again!

Oh good. Kerinin has come. He ran into Vronsky on his way see me. Vronsky is so scared for my death (as am I). He has been waiting outside all day and night, crying, hoping I am not to die. How I love him.

But Kerinin is here. After all, I do want to see him. I told him I loved our son more than anything. I just babbled in a somewhat delirious state. I want him to know that I had a husband who does not himself know how good he is, he is a truly good man. I am ecstatic of affection for him. He is my husband and I want to make sure we understand each other before I die. I only want one thing, and that is his forgiveness!

Vronsky must also look at Kerinin. He must understand what a man he is to allow our relationship. They too must forgive eachother. How will they understand my love for each of these men, the only way is to see each other before I die.

Oh the pain! Ahhh! Everything hurts. I must sleep.

I am so ill. I fear I will die any day now. I have given birth to a daughter, Ani. But I cannot even think of her. It will not matter, because I am sure to die.

I have texted Kerinin that I am dying. For some reason I feel that I need to see him before I die. I want his forgiveness. He must come before I die. I need him to know that I did care for him and that I need him to forgive me. Oh Kerinin, come before I die!

So Kerninin is off finding some fancy lawyer. Probrobaly paying millions. Fine by me. I woul like to live wtih Vronsky without worrying about Kerinin. However, I cannot loose my son. I am the one who cares for him. Kerinin has never loved him the way I do.

But enough of that. I am more concerned that I am going to have this dreadful child any day now. Did I mention that I had a dream about dying in child birth? I am convinced my death is immanent. The dream must be true. I deserve death for all I have done. Perhaps it is the ultimate result of my love for Vronsky. I will not survive the birth.

Ah how I’ve been enjoying these past few weeks.  While things at home with Alexi have not been going well, I have started to appreciate the city and everything it has to offer.  Vronsky and I enjoy life to the fullest and have honestly stopped caring about what my wretched husband thinks.  Now that I have become noticeably pregnant, I must find fabulous outfits to show it off.  He takes me shopping up and down fifth avenue, we have racked up quite a bill at Bergdorfs and have really started living the life.  Vronsky is very happy about the pregnancy, I, on the other hand, find it annoying and a pain (in both senses of the word.)

I am still waiting to see what Alexi does about the divorce.  Just the other day he and I got in a fight over the emails between Vronsky and me.  He wanted me to print them out and show them too him.  However, I refused.  There was no way I was going to allow him to see such personal information.  He stormed out of the room and made some very secretive phone call in his office.  I truly hope he was talking to a lawyer.  As much as I do not want to be ruined and shunned by all of our friends, I do not think that I can spend much more time in this house! None!

Anyways, after taking a trip to the kitchen for a glass of wine, I returned to study and found a print out of one of the emails sitting in the printer.  That bastard hacked into my PRIVATE email account and printed out my correspondences with Vronsky.  I should sue him!

Well, I’ll keep you updated once I figure out what the bastard is up too!

While I am happy the I told Karenin about the affair and how much I hate him, it has made home unmanagable.  I really want to leave, but cannot fathom life without Sergei.  I wish that Alexi would make up his mind about the divorce.  I do not want to ruin him, nor our family reputation, but I cannot imagine living in this appartment with him for much longer.

I try and get out more, Vronsky and I go out to eat a lot, stay in hotels and live the life. We went to this great resturant, Pastis, the other day.  It just opened in the meat packing district and was kind of like a moderinzed french Bistro.

We also have been frequenting the theater, seeing all of the new plays and musicals.  Personally I really enjoyed Spring Awakening and Avenue Q, they were just so refreshing and new!!  Alexi never liked going to the theater.  He thought it a horrible pastime, a waste of time and pointless.  He prefers to sit around, philosophize and read.  While these are all fun, I really need some mmore entertaining company.

I AM PREGNANT!

and Vronsky is the father.  what a wonderful gift this is, maybe we can be a real family now, Vronsky, Sergei, the baby and I!

I don’t even know where to begin.  As I predicted, the steeple chase today did not go well.  What started off as a fairly tight race turned into a disaster.  Vronsky was keeping up with the predicted winner and everything seemed to be going well.  I had my eyes on him the entire time.  All of a sudden, at the end of the race I saw his horse start to tire and feared for the worst.

Then it happened, the horse collapsed and I was so worried for him.  The entire race stopped, I start crying and couldn’t control myself.  I realized how much I need him in my life!  There were a couple of moment where I thought he had died, and I felt like a part of me had died as well.  It was so unnerving not to know what had happened to him.

Luckily Vronsky wasn’t seriously injured and was able to walk away.  His horse did not fare as well.  The poor thing had to be shot! It broke its back and there was nothing they could do for it.

Alexi told me that I needed to leave the races with him and that my outburst was inappropriate and that I should try and control myself more. Neither of which I agree with.  Hopefully there will be some sort of resolution soon.  I can’t stand this anymore.  Alexi is so insufferable.