We stay in this aparment unhappy.  We are not happy in this love as we used to be, but we are not unhappy.  We simply drift along, our hearts tearing with each movement.  It is best to move as little as possible.  We can’t stay in the city- but we can’t leave.  We want to be together and be happy, but it isn’t working. No, it has to work. We can make it work.  All you need is love, right?

Alexei loves women. I knew this. I love it about him- his passionate nature, his interests and loves- they all revolve around a social life that includes women.  But I just have to make him see that my love is the greatest, the best he can ever know.  I have to make him see that I give the greatest love of all- that he couldn’t find this anywhere else. I am right in this.  He claims he loves me- but he can’t love me as much as I do him, he simply cant.

Although, he does seem to love me less.  He doesn’t wind his limbs with mine when we read in bed or watch a movie together on the couch.  He doesn’t hold my hand out on walks or come up behind me with a hug while I make his drinks or fix his breakfast.  He doesn’t use the nicknames we have or try to tickle me.  Where has all this affection gone? It has to have gone somewhere.  Who is getting it? What woman or women are getting his love- the love that belongs to me- I alone am deserving of this.  I don’t know, I don’t know.  I will find out.

He is so complacent.  Gone are the days when he brought me little surprises or when he made me my favorite desserts.  He doesn’t think of me- he comes home and if he hugs me before checking his messages it is a familiar hug- there is no passion in in.

I know I shouldn’t pick these fights. I know my petty jealousness is only digging a deeper hole.  I can’t stop myself, though! All I think about is if he is happy, if I am a disappointment.  What can he think of me? All I have, all I depend on, is him.  I can’t bear it when he is mad at me but I have no make him feel how I feel.  He doesn’t understand the depth of this love, of my feelings, or of my hurt. I have to make him understand! When I’m doing it I don’t mean to hurt him- I don’t mean to manipulate- but to appeal to his logic doesn’t work.  I need his attention and the only way to get it is to cry or yell or fight.  I can’t break this cycle and we have had two giant fights in a row this evening.  Yes, we hate being mad and we make up, but I just don’t know how much wear and tear my heart can take.

Levin and Stepan just left… it is so clear that these men are infatuated with me.  So, where is Alexei?  He is still not home.  He loves throwing it in my face that he has a life separate of me- that I can’t control him.  What is this machismo?  He has to be above or beyond the influence of love?  Why does he think it is better not to need me? The fool!

I just need love! I wait for a divorce that will never come- it is always postponed.  It is all the same.  I invent projects to keep me occupied but it is all the same at the end of the day: he can live without me and I cannot live without him.

And so Kitty’s husband has come to visit me!  Stepan brought him along today and we had a wonderful chat.  I must say, I did go out of my way to look good.  And maybe I didn’t need to touch his arm or chew the corner of my lip (I look so good when I do that!) or look at him from under my lashes… but really, what harm could it be?  I have a way with men, that’s all.  True, he is Kitty’s husband… but really bygones are byegones… or they should be.  I even extended the olive branch when he left with a message and apology to Kitty.  It is so nice to have visitors… and even more nice to know I’ve still got it. ; )

No word on the divorce.  It has been several weeks.  His attorney is refusing to cooperate and has just been slamming me with so much paperwork.  There is nothing for me here. I am inside all day.

We are settled into a nice loft back in the city.  We are quite a few blocks from Karenin and all my old aquaintances, but I simply could not have us living in the rundown section of town and refuse to let people run me out of my home.  I belong in this city.  So, we are living together.  Alexei, Anna, and baby makes three.

I thought I could fix everything- smooth it all over.  I mentioned my trying to reach him, trying to get him to come home, and the mood just fizzled.  He looks so mad and cold!  And he immediately said that he is off to the city.  Well, I will go with him. It is that simple.  He says he doesn’t want to be separated from me? Fine. I will grovel for a divorce.  I will go with him and stay in the same apartment. I am owed that.

Alexei is home and we are not speaking.

It is true. He can leave me whenever he wants. There is nothing stopping him. I have no hold over him.  He has all the rights and all the power; I have nothing.  All I have is this love for him… the rest of my world I gave to him along with my heart.

Alexei should be home by now. The election is over. I’ve tried to be patient.

What could be keeping him?!

And the baby won’t stop crying.  Something about a double ear infection. I cannot do this alone. I will reach him and make him come home.  If he doesn’t love me he should at least love his child.  She is sick.

After a four month hiatus from this blog I am back.  The summer was lovely.  I learned so much and Alexei and I worked side-by-side designing the hospital, managing the stables, and just investing in the estate itself.  It has been so wonderful!  Just the two of us working on our dreams for a summer of love.

But now fall has come and I am cold.  Vronsky is heading to D.C. to do some work before the elections for the campaign.  He has been so passionate about politics and the election lately that I knew it was coming.  Still, we didn’t discuss it until the week he was leaving.  I have decided to say nothing. I can do it.  I will just be here loving him and supporting him, ready for him to come home.  Besides- I have nothing to fear… right?