by Mridu Khullar
– India –
Couples in India are finally figuring out that hours of horoscope-matching sessions followed by measures to correct planetary positions make not a good marriage. Urban educated twenty-somethings of today are ditching the priest’s grass mat and heading to the counselor’s leather couch.
Pre-marital counseling, a concept that has so far been alien to Indians, is making an entry into the psyche of the young middle-class. Counseling of any sort has traditionally been seen as a “western idea,” and something that is not part of the Indian culture. Formal and professional pre-marital counseling is looked upon even more skeptically by a generation of parents who met each other no more than once or twice before their own arranged marriages.
In the past, mothers or older female cousins would prepare a girl for her wedding by talking to her about her expected duties, advising her to take care of the needs of not just her husband, but also her in-laws, and giving her a brief introduction to sex. “From this day on, your husband is your God,” she would be told. Pati parmeshwar, which is Hindi for “Husband God” or “Godly Husband,” is a term that was often used to describe an Indian husband.
The Hindu wedding ceremony itself is a diminutive therapy session in which the bride and groom are advised by the priest in matters of wealth, family, and responsibility. But men are given little in terms of advice.
“Men in India have always been told that it’s the woman’s forte to look after the home and kids, and the man’s forte to earn a very good living,” says Dr. Pria Warrick of the Warrick Counseling Center in New Delhi. “But now there is a segment of women who have recently become independent and don’t know much on the home front.”
With changing gender roles, couples are becoming increasingly confused about their respective roles in a relationship. While young Indian couples of today theoretically strive towards equality, they have few role models and little guidance in the practical aspects of this paradigm.
Dr. Rajan Bhonsle and his wife Dr. Minnu R. Bhonsle, founders of the Heart to Heart Counseling Centre in Mumbai—one of the first centers to offer non-religious pre-marital counseling in the country, say that pre-marital counseling is especially important for Indians. “It’s about having the communication skills, and knowing how to resolve the problems that come up in a marriage”—areas in which young couples find themselves ill-equipped.
Since couples in India don’t typically live together before making a lifetime commitment, they usually don’t know what to expect once the wedding is over and the marriage begins. This confusion spills over to daily life, family activities, and even sex.
Pre-marital counseling typically includes tests for physical and reproductive health, including those for sexually transmitted diseases, at least one session on sex education, and discussions about the core realities of marriage.
Women, especially those getting into arranged marriages, fear bringing up issues of a sexual past, future expectations, and aspirations regarding money and children. Until just a few years ago, it was assumed that once a couple got married, a woman would put her career on hold and focus on the family. Women of today, however, want more. Counselors say they help bring these issues and expectations to the table.
The most important part though, is sex education.
Unlike in more developed countries, sex education is not part of the school curriculum in India. In fact, as of late 2007, 12 out of India’s 29 state governments had banned sex education claiming the course material led to sexual experimentation among students and was against the Indian culture.
In the 1999 Bollywood movie Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, actress Aishwarya Rai, who plays Nandini, a traditional Indian woman, when kissed by her half-Italian boyfriend asks, “Will I get pregnant?”
The problem, say counselors, is that Indian youth are “absolutely ignorant” when it comes to sex. “Today’s youth is more exposed to sex, but they’re less prepared,” says Dr. Warrick.
“There’s also this pressure of performing on the first night,” adds Dr. Bhonsle. Indian brides, and even grooms, are still expected to be virgins on the night of their wedding, especially in arranged marriages. This lack of sexual experience can create intense anxiety as couples try to navigate their way through physical intimacy even before they’ve had a chance to connect emotionally.
This lack of preparedness, coupled with high expectations brought on by western influences, report counselors, is creating many unstable marriages, leading to a sharp increase in divorce rates.
“When we started the institute in 1997, even our own family and friends ridiculed us,” says Dr. Bhonsle. Today, he counsels approximately 70-100 couples a month, each hoping to find stability in their otherwise chaotic lives.
“The Indian youth is in a state of confusion presently,” he says. “We want to be like the west, but we still have the basic Indian culture and values.”
Pre-marital counseling helps couples combine the best of east and west, and debunk myths about gender roles, romance, and sex. Professionals are answering questions that couples of today face—questions that most parents of just a generation ago find they are no longer able to answer.
About the Author
Mridu Khullar is an independent journalist from New Delhi, India. For the past six years, she has written extensively about human rights and women’s issues in Asia and Africa. Her work has been published in Time, Elle, Marie Claire, Ms., Women’s eNews, and East West, among others. Visit her website at www.mridukhullar.com.
In the US, there is very little awareness of the sweeping transformation currently reshaping Indian society. It seems that many assumptions about marital relations are changing, but that it is important to many people that a continuity remain between the present day and the past.
In the US, too, there is a re-thinking of pre-marital counseling, but for different reasons. In the past, it was seen as unromantic, and raised doubts that the engaged couple was a perfect match. There was also a stigma associated with counseling, and many would have been too embarassed to admit their utilization of specialists.
Today, though, there is a swing in the other direction and many couples see it as a sort of preventative maintenance, and a chance to be sure that they have made the right decision.
I see a common thread in this regard between the US and India. It seems that in both of our societies, men and women are truly making an effort to be better partners, and to improve their communication.
I would be interested to read more about changes in Indian society! Thanks for your article!
India is developing, in the major metros and their surrounding areas. But there’s still much to be done in the vast village areas. We need to do something from the roots.
For me, it’s still difficult to shoot photos of the village girls & ladies (of any age group), they are constantly monitored by the male elders, and sometimes even by the female elders. The growing girls and the ladies are still told not to roam around in front of the males. They must ‘learn to behave’ etc. And Mridu rightly said, when these females are married off, they are imparted with strange teachings from their elders that they should do this & that duties, they shouldn’t do this & those etc. And off course, the ‘pati parameshwar’ knowledge is planted in their brains without failure.
We need to change all this. And we need to do it fast. But how! There’s a vast need for correct education in the village areas of India. Personally I have tried to reach out, during my extensive tours, but I must say I faced a lot of hindrance from the village ‘panchayats’.
I am a 26 year old, educated, single Indian woman living with my parents in Mumbai. I am aware of the difficulties of Indian marriages which is why I am unwilling to get married. I have somehow managed to convince my parents that I have very good reasons for refusing marriage altogether. They have assured me that they will not coerce me into an unwanted marriage. For my own sake I try to believe them. Even though I know that they are sometimes swayed by the enquiries of “concerned” (read inquisitive) relatives about my single status. I am well aware that they are ill at ease with my decision to remain single and to make matters worse, the number of rapes and other crimes against women is on the rise. My parents are so afraid for my safety that they do not leave me alone at home for extended periods of time. I know my parents secretly believe that their worries will be put to rest and they will be free of their “responsibilities” if I marry a “good boy”, pre-approved by them. They sometimes express this sentiment to me in a veiled way. Unfortunately, these sorts of discussions never go well as I do not believe in the practice of marrying only for security and in fact, I am staunchly against it. Though I understand my parents’ concerns, I cannot stand the idea of acquiescing to the demands on me to get married to someone just for the sake of society. I am not in love with anyone and am not really looking, which is what makes my case weaker with my parents and the “so-called concerned relatives.” I loathe this kind of social pressure and desperately want to escape it. I have become so desperate to avoid marriage that I am trying to gain admission into an MBA degree in the US. So far, I am yet to meet with success in that endeavour. I am also in the process of job hunting and I feel a bit vulnerable to the possibility that I may be coerced into an unwanted marriage. I try to buffet all my difficulties by being stubborn to the point of being rude to my parents and I feel like they’re only willing to accede to my demands because of my extreme anger when it comes to questions of marriage. I am not willing to get married or committed to any man right now and I don’t want any time limits to be imposed on me for this. How do I bridge the chasm between my parents line of thinking and my own without hurting my parents? I have not been able to solve this problem for a very long time.
I am a 26 year old, educated, single Indian woman living with my parents in Mumbai. I am aware of the difficulties of Indian marriages which is why I am unwilling to get married. I have somehow managed to convince my parents that I have very good reasons for refusing marriage altogether. They have assured me that they will not coerce me into an unwanted marriage. For my own sake I try to believe them. Even though I know that they are sometimes swayed by the enquiries of “concerned” (read inquisitive) relatives about my single status. I am well aware that they are ill at ease with my decision to remain single and to make matters worse, the number of rapes and other crimes against women is on the rise. My parents are so afraid for my safety that they do not leave me alone at home for extended periods of time. I know my parents secretly believe that their worries will be put to rest and they will be free of their “responsibilities” if I marry a “good boy”, pre-approved by them. They sometimes express this sentiment to me in a veiled way. Unfortunately, these sorts of discussions never go well as I do not believe in the practice of marrying only for security and in fact, I am staunchly against it. Though I understand my parents’ concerns, I cannot stand the idea of acquiescing to the demands on me to get married to someone just for the sake of society. I am not in love with anyone and am not really looking, which is what makes my case weaker with my parents and the “so-called concerned relatives.” I loathe this kind of social pressure and desperately want to escape it. I have become so desperate to avoid marriage that I am trying to gain admission into an MBA degree in the US. So far, I am yet to meet with success in that endeavour. I am also in the process of job hunting and I feel a bit vulnerable to the possibility that I may be coerced into an unwanted marriage. I try to buffet all my difficulties by being stubborn to the point of being rude to my parents and I feel like they’re only willing to accede to my demands because of my extreme anger when it comes to questions of marriage. I am not willing to get married or committed to any man right now and I don’t want any time limits to be imposed on me for this. How do I bridge the chasm between my parents line of thinking and my own without hurting my parents? I have not been able to solve this problem for a very long time.