Change the Story: Help Young Women Thrive

It happened again this weekend.  The daughter of a friend stopped by our home for some career advice.  Her problem is one I heard over and over again on a national book tour for my book, Women Lead the Way: Your Guide to Stepping Up to Leadership and Changing the World (Barrett-Koehler Publishing 2009 and 2011). Here was the question:  Why are other women, especially older women mean or not helpful to younger women and so competitive?

My response from the speaker’s podium has been pretty measured.  I see women moving up in greater numbers as positive, not a zero-sum game and certainly didn’t want to blame women.  So my answer was about having more women in leadership so women don’t seem to feel that we should pull up the ladder to protect ourselves nor feel forced into competition by their male colleagues.

But now, although the research tells us that a critical mass of women at decision-making tables improves the outcomes and that we are still a long way from the 30% Solution.  I’m no longer so sure that is enough.  Confidence to take on new challenges is still a problem for women professionals and I’ve begun to think it arises earlier in girls lives.

Listening to young Vermont women who participated in a statewide survey and focus groups led by Vermont Works for Women and reported in “Enough Said”  I learned that peer aggression is one of the factors holding them back from reaching for the stars.  These bright young women are already seeing the mirror image of women-on-women backbiting and competition at the middle school and high school level from both teachers and fellow students — not the support they seek.  Many echoed my 16 year old granddaughter in Florida when I asked her about this, “I have mostly boys as friends.  There is too much drama with the girls.”

Too often, the young women in the survey said that parents and teachers – the adult influences in their lives — say it is all just a phase in growing up and not to worry. This too shall pass is the message.  Don’t believe it.  Unless girls see supportive behavior modeled for them and are encouraged to be the best they can be we will keep the same negative cycle alive.  But what can we do as individuals? How can we intervene when peer aggression undermines girls’ belief and confidence in their own worth and competence? Can starting with young women change the story?  I believe it can.

After the stunning “Enough Said” report was released Vermont Works for Women assembled a statewide Task Force on Young Women and the Vermont Economy to take action, not just have a report which gathered dust.  I chaired this group of twenty-nine state leaders – 29 were invited and after reading the report all 29 agreed to serve.  Busy men and women from business, government, philanthropy and non-profits saw that more was needed to maximize the potential of half our future workforce than urging STEM careers.

The report was well-received by Governor Peter Shumlin, the legislature and the press but the real impact will require a culture shift.  It will be felt when each of us – all of us – participates actively in changing the story to provide girls and young women with support from adult and peer allies to fuel both aspiration and resolve.  We are moving on this in Vermont with schools, regional outreach and workshops.  But what happens in Vermont shouldn’t stay in Vermont.

In my book I write about the “power of one” to make a difference so, specifically, here’s what you can do starting today wherever you live and whatever you do. Even more ideas are on the Vermont Works for Women website.

• Download the report and recommendations to discuss with your book club, women’s circle or network and the women you know.
• Model supportive behavior toward girls and women at home, in the community and at work.  When interpersonal drama arises don’t be the one who takes the bait.
• Use your influence to radically expand the opportunities young women have available by reaching out to younger colleagues with advice and support and giving them meaningful opportunities to grow and serve in decision-making positions.
• Practice “no-body-talk” – particularly with girls and young women – and instead give compliments that focus on character and personal strength, not a cute outfit or lovely earrings.
• Speak up when you notice disrespectful behavior aimed at younger colleagues.

It is time for moms and dads, teachers, colleagues – in fact, all of us – to break the negative cycle of peer aggression among women and girls. The bright and hopeful young women of today deserve a better start for tomorrow so get busy and change the story.

Linda Tarr-Whelan is a former Ambassador to the UN Commission on the Status of Women and managing partner of Tarr-Whelan & Associates and was the chair of the Task Force on Young Women in the Vermont Economy.