The Prince Charming Delusion

So much of our time as women revolves around dating and relationships, regardless of whether we are pursuant or involved. We put forth our most polished selves to tease and appease, ever seeking the perfect balance between demure and coquettish. Some of us plan our days and even our years with our partners or romantic aspirations in mind, even going so far as to sacrifice or demote our own personal ambitions at times. Every time a relationship ends, we feel as though we are back at square one in the search for someone with whom we might develop a lasting bond or begin a family. I have seen many women my age go from one long-term relationship to another with no downtime in between, repeating this pattern for years – beginning as early as middle school. What compels us to always want a partner, to push the envelope until we have the “whole package?” Society has glorified the idea of the soul mate, the perfect couple, the Prince Charming – these concepts are embedded in all the media we consume. Should we not be taking advantage of every moment of freedom and independence we have, with only our own personal enrichment and well-being in mind – do we not deserve that, even owe it to ourselves?

Women have for so long been an integral part of the idealized nuclear family and held all the responsibilities of domesticity and motherhood, but that ideal is being replaced by a more progressive, modernized female image. We can choose to be whatever we want – career women, mothers, feminists, politicians, teachers, athletes, or all of the above. In her article, “All the Single Ladies,” Kate Bolick addresses the issues of a dwindling market of educated, successful and commitment-minded men and the growing power of “playboys,” as well as “the end of ‘traditional’ marriage as society’s highest ideal.” Kate reminds us that motherhood and marriage are no longer compulsory, but optional. She cites social historian Stephanie Coontz in saying that “when it comes to what people actually want from marriage and relationships, and how they organize their sexual and romantic lives, all the old ways have broken down.” Just a few statistics to emphasize that point: 44 percent of Millennials and 43 percent of Gen Xers today believe that marriage is becoming obsolete, 40 percent of children are born to single mothers, and the percentage of women in their early 40s who have not given birth has nearly doubled since 1976.

Women become more and more autonomous and are constantly gaining power on many fronts. For instance, a record number of women ran for seats in the House and Senate this year and now make up 18 percent and 20 percent, respectively. Is it any wonder that “good men” seem scarce, when women are quickly gaining on and even surpassing them in the realms of education and employment? In 2010, women held 51.4 percent of managerial and professional jobs, and earned 60 percent of all bachelor’s and master’s degrees. The post-industrial economy is more accommodating to successful women than men without higher education. Almost three-quarters of the 7.5 million jobs lost during the Great Recession were lost by men. Women are no longer compelled to “marry up,” – or even to marry at all – due to mounting economic self-sufficiency. As Gloria Steinem said in the 1970s, “We’re becoming the men we wanted to marry.”

The dynamics of dating have also morphed dramatically over the past few decades. As a young woman, I almost feel silly expecting a guy to commit to me in any way, and especially for that commitment to last more than a few months. In low sex-ratio societies – that is, societies where women outnumber men – since there are so many women to choose from, men have no need or desire to choose just one. Therefore, Kate says, more women turn to extrafamilial ambitions like education and career due to the devaluation of women’s traditional roles or the lack of ability to rely on partners to stick around. Furthermore, she says that “the more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment.” Thus, women are faced with a population of men largely made up of deadbeats or those who prefer to use their success and good looks to their advantage in the casual dating sphere. To be sure, women now have more freedom to behave the same way, as the patriarchal marriage system relinquishes its grip on women’s sexuality, but Kate argues that “what could be an era of heady carnal delights is stifled by a new form of male entitlement, this one fueled by demographics,” – the low sex-ratio problem, which is advantageous for men, but rather unfortunate for women.

I think the foremost problems of being a single woman in America are the general discomfort with the status and the stigmatizing of single adults. We are so stifled by embedded notions of the ideal woman and the ideal couple, and are having a very difficult time shaking them from our hearts and psyches. It might be useful to look to the way other cultures or groups view love and relationships. Heterosexuals are encouraged to think more creatively about the existing conventions with the rise of gay marriage and stories of polyamory cropping up in the news. The Dutch apparently believe that “people are as they are,” regardless of their relationship status.

My favorite part of Kate’s article is an anecdote about her mother, who had confided in her that “one of the most blissful moments of her life had been when she was 21, driving down the highway in her VW Beetle, with nowhere to go except wherever she wanted to be.” Kate asks, “Why couldn’t she have more of that?” I don’t know about all of you, but I am going to take more of that while I have the chance. I am going to remind myself daily that the pressure I feel is self-inflicted and take advantage of the freedom that I have, that has been hard-earned, and that grows every day. I’ll remind myself to accept whatever happens or doesn’t happen. After my last relationship ended, as I leaned on my mom’s dining room table sobbing, she said to me, “You need to learn to be okay with yourself before you can expect anyone else to be okay with you.” As insensitive as that statement seemed at the time, I am constantly reminded of its truth. Let’s just be as we are.

Click here to read Kate Bolick’s full article.

Cassandra Stedham is a student of International Policy Studies at the Monterey Institute of International Studies, and is working toward a career in International Journalism. You can read more at her blog, Talk to a Stranger.