by Shola Dada
– Nigeria –
A healthy functional home is obtained only through a very precious currency called time. As a woman in Nigeria, I can’t help feeling: how fair is this system? I nurse great ambitions just as passionately as any man, and I’m just as mentally equipped to pursue and achieve them, and with that I still have the singular mandate to ‘build my home?’ What am I supposed to be, superwoman?
Maybe single woman.
Of course it’s easy to see how staying single frees any woman from the arduous task of ‘building’ a home and allows her to pursue her own interests. Many have wisely realized that it is better to advance as far as possible academically, professionally and financially before stepping into marriage. However, this comes with its own unique challenges.
Nigerian men are notorious for staying away from women who have attained a considerable level of success and independence. A successful single woman above thirty is seen as ‘old’ and a potential contender for the helm of leadership in the home.
My mother got married at the age of twenty-one to my father, a university graduate with a sterling degree in civil engineering. My mum’s career choice as a school teacher allowed her to be both a working woman and a homemaker. Everyday, she was back at home by 1:30pm to take care of her children, and she was there to greet her husband when he arrived much later in the evening. Most other women in her age group also had this perfectly balanced life – they were teachers, nurses, secretaries and traders. My father had friends who were engineers like him, and others were doctors, lawyers, architects, professors, pilots, bank executives, military men, business moguls and politicians.
There’s nothing wrong with being a teacher or a nurse or a secretary or a trader; these professions were by no means less important than what most of the men did simply because they required less hours, and paid less. My mother worked hard as a teacher for over twenty years and did an excellent job raising seven children. My father was gone five days a week for many years working as a construction engineer in different parts of the country; I am certainly grateful that my mother was always there for us children. But though I have a deep respect for women who choose to fully dedicate their time to raising their children and building strong families, I do, however, think there was a problem with this traditional system. It was built on the assumption that while men’s brains were naturally wired to dream, aspire and achieve great things, women’s brains were naturally contented with breeding, cleaning and nurturing.
The truth is many of us do want to get married and have families. Men don’t have to choose between having a home and building a career, so why should we? I want a home, and I want to do just as well professionally as any man. Why then should I have to bear more domestic responsibility than my partner?
In a recent chat with Deroju, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, all I could get from her on the issue was a resigned shrug of her slim shoulders: “Well, it’s a man’s world,” she says. “If a woman is lucky to marry an understanding man, then yes, she can have her dreams and the family.”
Many Nigerian women unfortunately share Deroju’s belief that a woman can only achieve personal success if her husband, out of his love for her, chooses to be ‘benevolent.’ This is a beautiful, smart university graduate with a lot of ambition, and clearly a lot to offer to her generation. But Deroju is willing to accept that she will only go as far as her husband will allow her.
“Once a woman chooses to get married, then of course she must submit to her husband. That’s what the bible says,” Deroju continues. The ‘religious’ angle rears its head. Since I am not opposed to religion in any way (being a Christian myself), I ask her: “But you do realize that every man and woman will stand before God to account for every gift, talent and opportunity. If you fail to fulfill your God-given purpose, will you put the blame on your husband?” In response I get another shrug and a counter-question: “So what does a woman do then?”
Many professional women in Nigeria are still getting married and having children today, but many are marrying ten years later than their mothers. Most of these women have come to stoically accept the unique sacrifice that comes with raising a family, yet without losing sight of their ambition. I read about a notable Nigerian marketing/branding executive – a married woman and mother – who left a great job with Microsoft to be a full-time mother for six years. For many, this is the path that makes the most sense: doing one thing at a time.
Seun is a twenty-two year old graduate of Theatre Arts from the University of Abuja. She is bright and highly ambitious, and is only a few months away from starting a Master’s degree in Screen Writing at a respected university in London. She successfully launched her career in acting a year ago and is already a rising screen star.
Seun tells me, “I will only get married when I find the man who believes that I have the same right as he to pursue my own personal dreams, and who is willing to also make sacrifices for us to have a home.”
Interestingly, combining work with keeping up the home is not so much of an issue with rural Nigerian women. Step away from the world of the ‘urbanized’ woman and her office job, into the rural woman’s world – where she’s a traditional hairdresser, a petty trader, a vegetable farmer, a food seller. The mothers amongst them keep their young children ‘tied’ close, a practice that makes it easy to care for, bond with, feed and comfort their children while they work.
Another helpful and common cultural practice in the average Nigerian household for many years was the existence of extended family, which included a number of relatives and dependants. These relatives, dependants and older children quickly filled in as nannies and house keepers, naturally ensuring that there was never a lack of willing extra hands to take care of the home front while the woman of the house pursued personal endeavors. However, the extended family system is almost non-existent in modern homes today. The working urban woman does not have the liberty of tying an infant to her back as she works, and typically does not have the support of extended family to care for her children.
I believe that every woman must liberate herself from each of the hindrances that keep her from fulfilling her own dreams and destiny. Women need to learn one hard fact of life: most men are born expecting the woman to step aside for them. Therefore it is my opinion that when a career-oriented woman is contemplating marriage, she has a responsibility to herself to properly communicate to her prospective life partner that she does not intend to pay the high price of building their home alone. It is only fair that just as the woman is forced to put her career on hold during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, at some other point in their marriage, the man must be willing to make the temporary sacrifice for the woman to catch up with her own dreams and ambitions. But whichever path a woman chooses, or finds herself towing in life, being a successful woman requires super-strength, super-guts and super-patience.
In Nigeria, boys grow up to men, but girls grow up to be super-women.
About the Author
Olushola Dada is a Nigerian writer and recording artist. Shola received her bachelor’s degree in mass communication from the University of Maiduguri, Nigeria. She has published two novellas and has also worked as a scriptwriter, screenwriter and editor with the BBC World Service Trust in Nigeria. She was also a radio presenter for its sexual and reproductive health youth program, Flava, and received an award of recognition for her work.
Making and performing music is a major part of Shola’s life. She has one album on the market and plans to release another soon. She is passionate about Nigeria’s youth because in spite of the many obstacles that they face in pursuit of their dreams, many remain optimistic and unstoppable. Shola hopes to become a role model, teacher and motivator of young people in her country.
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