It is finally summer- and I’ve decided to set a to-do list for myself.  I have stacks of books to read and intend to get through them all.  What could be better than reading by the sea for an entire summer?  I will be able to talk with Alexei about any and everything.  I will be everything for him.  He won’t miss watching the game with the boys- I will know all the stats for the Mets, the Yankees, and every racehorse in New York.  I’ll go to his polo games and be able to answer his questions about designing the new wing of the hospital, too.  I will be useful, supportive, and brilliant.  I will be everything he could ever need- the best companion.

I will not dwell on myself. I will be living for him and for the greater good- this hospital project is going to be brilliant!

me, myself, and I

Dolly left early this morning… something about missing the kids. Back to the dulldrums.

I’ve just come from Dolly’s room.  We’ve talked for hours- just like at the sleepovers we used to have as girls!  She is appalled that I’ve had my tubes tied- can’t imagine life without a million dribbling babies crawling around. Really, I don’t know how some women, even the nicest ones, are so backwards about choices and options we have these days.  Apparently Kitty isn’t really over the whole “boyfriend-stealing” thing… but really, it isn’t as if they were engaged! Everyone knew he was just fooling around with her.  Trust fund babies are just playthings for men like Alexei.

We’ve discussed the divorce.  No one can see how hopeless this is for me.  He won’t sign- and if he did he would do everything to keep Seryozha away from me.  I would have to humiliate myself to beg Karenin to grant me the divorce and he would keep my son from me.  The two things I love most- Alexei and Seryozha, will forever be separate. There is no uniting them.  It is not as easy as Dolly seems to think.

Regardless, I feel so much better for having someone to tell all these secrets of my heart to. I can’t be the only one who has these feelings- I just need to know I’m human and that wanting to be loved isn’t so crazy after all

ahhhh Veslovsky has decided to join us for dinner. Excellent.  I always have fun with him- his fliration is laughable and keeps Vronsky amused as well.  Someone still finds me attractive- and I won’t let Alexei forget it!

We’re off to walk the grounds and the beach to show everything to Dolly!  I only hope that she and Vronsky get on and that she sees the beautiful life he has been able to give me.

• I’ve just gotten Dolly settled in the guest room overlooking the Sound.  Then I’ll take her by the nursery just to see Ani- why she even wants to see the kid is beyond me, but some women just die for babies I suppose.  I’ve got to keep her away from Vivian as much as possible- they are always at odds over something.

Dolly has made it out to see me!  I met her by the ferry today as she was arriving.  She looked a little green around the gills despite having said that regular trips to Long Island throughout her childhood had made her fall in love with the Ferry ride.

Ahhh I am dying to know what she thinks of me!

Finally.

We are leaving for the country again.  It is about time.

I’m standing in the gallery with Vivian and have never felt so utterly alone.

Vronsky has just arrived to take me home and is waltzing around the place schmoozing with everyone and his brother.  He hasn’t even acknowledged me yet!  He just traipses about with that glass of champaign dangling in his fingers.

He has finally made his way over but I am past it- I don’t feel like talking to him.  He drove me to this! Always so calm and nonchalant while I am dying inside.

sent via Verizon Blackberry

I am sitting alone with Vivian in the second row because everyone near us has cleared out.  Olivia was there and was swearing at me under her breath and another woman deliberately splashed her red wine all over the hem of my dress.

I have no choice but to sit here and endure the critical eyes of everyone.

Oh, why did I come?