I happened upon a moment of introspection today, when I found myself looking through my old Facebook profile pictures. There were photos dating from 2007 on there, from my very earliest days of using Facebook. As I journeyed back through more than five years of my life, I found myself for the first time viewing my photos not as myself, but as a casual observer might. I tried to think about the message each picture sent, and more importantly how that reflected on who I was at the time. With each passing picture, it became clearer to me that who I was differed greatly from who I thought I was.

Seeing that boy with hair in his eyes and soft features, and seeing the dearth of comments and likes beside him, I saw the portrait of a lonely young kid, the kid I was. I should explain that I went to an all-male boarding middle school, where I felt I never belonged because I was a day student. While I excelled academically, I struggled socially and typically reverted to my introverted habits. I did try to build friendships there, and by my final year I felt like I had gained a group of friends. I remember taking those old profile pictures, thinking that by posting them I would look cool. It made me realize that I was playing the oldest game adolescents play: pretending to be someone they’re not.

I am infinitely happier than I was then, primarily because I have come to an understanding of who I am. I no longer feel the need to misrepresent myself online, because I have stopped worrying what other people think. If you are the kind of person that wants to pass judgment on me, then you’re also the kind of person whose opinion means nothing to me. But that boy in the pictures hadn’t come to terms with who he was. I’m a weird kid. I’m a nerd. I’m a geek. I like Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings and 50 Cent and Childish Gambino and Skyrim. I write science fiction books and screenplays in my free time. I have created many different sport-simulation games using dice, and I have invented at least five different actual sports. I play sports video games for the front office options, not the actual sport. I want to be a famous author and screenwriter and I don’t care if you think my dream’s stupid, because I know who I am, and that is a person who doesn’t give up, who will never be truly happy unless he is creating, who is hilariously socially awkward, who believes in the good of all people then judges them harshly when they don’t live up to that standard (I’m not particularly proud of the second part), who will work himself into the ground without even touching schoolwork, who doesn’t believe in failure, and who needs at least eight hours of sleep a night. I’m not a popular kid. I’m not an athlete, although I do like sports. I care deeply about certain things, and don’t mind expressing my emotions when it comes to those things. There it is. That’s me. I wish I could show my past self this list to reassure him that it’s okay to be who you are. The most important thing to realize is what author Bernard Baruch said: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” That’s it. Be you. Do you. Never be afraid of who you are. Own it. The world might think it has figured you out. Proved it wrong or right. It’s your choice.

-epn