I’ve been feeling pretty bad for the past week and a half. It has nothing to do with schoolwork, per se, I’ve been perfectly healthy, and I feel like my interpersonal relationships have been very fulfilling. The problem is that I haven’t been writing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been working on papers left and right, but to me writing is about writing creatively, about the creation of story and character and world. The last time I did any creative writing was last Friday, and I’ve felt like crap ever since. You see, writing – and any creative activity in general – gives me such an unbelievable dopamine rush, makes me feel so good about myself, that as soon as I don’t do it for a day I feel awful. I would compare it to being mildly manic-depressive; this kind of creative output gives me humongous swings in mood. While I’m writing, and after I’ve just finished a productive period of writing, I feel great about myself. I am the king of my own domain, the arbiter of my own destiny, the catalyst in my own ridiculously hyperbolic fantasy. You get the point. Just being able to put words on the page, even knowing full well that there is a real possibility that no one will ever read them, is empowering. It’s empowering not because it’s an accomplishment, but rather because as soon as you put the words on the page they are yours. No teacher told you to write them, no is telling what you can and cannot do. Admittedly trying to publish forces you to play by a lot of rules, but ultimately the product and the experience that went into it both belong to you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to major in recently. I’ve heard from all sides to get a “marketable degree,” something that will help me get a job. I could do it too. I’ve always been good at math and science. But they’ve never given me an ounce of fulfillment. A good grade on a test feels good, but I’m doing it for the grade, not for the content. I want to pursue something where I’m proud of both the result in terms of achievement, and the result in terms of content and product. I want to feel proud of what I do. If that means I graduate from Middlebury as the least employable person ever, then so be it.

-epn