Cedar

A blog and a dog

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Self Help

I have a confession. Cedar and I have been listening to a self-help book. It gets worse: the title is Unfu*k Yourself. “How did this come to be?” you ask. 

Well I had one credit about to expire on Audible and there it was, a NYT bestseller, too. I listened to the sample and heard Gary John Bishop’s feisty Sottish brogue, saw that it was mercifully short, and thought, “Why not?” Cedar had no answer. 

We’re listening on Audible.

It occurs to me, as we near the end, that Cedar has Bishop’s seven assertions nailed. In other words, if we take away the occasional bout with the dog run, or a likely scar from dog Ace trying to have a taste of her brain, she’s pretty much Un-fu*ked already. 

  • I am willing. (Oh yeah.)
  • I am wired to win. (My nose meets your elbow at the table and no more typing for you.)
  • I got this. (Dummy 50 yards out in 20 degree weather and 3 ‘ seas? No pasa nada.)
  • I embrace the uncertainty. (Whatever that means, I’m down.) 
  • I am not my thoughts; I am what I do. (Take my lead, Dad. It’s easier than you think.) 
  • I am relentless. (Need proof? Let’s play fetch. Better yet, move one muscle away from the laptop and watch me JUMP.)
  • I expect nothing and accept everything. (You’re one lucky MoFo [*ker], Dad. )

Okay, even if my Mom weren’t reading this, I’d have to confess here that I had a pretty great childhood. (Thanks, Mom and Dad.) I’m privileged. I even got to go to college with the rich kids—a gift that keeps on giving, and that I try my best to share with others. I don’t really think of myself as needing to be unfu*ked, but I do realize if I am tangled up in some mental version of my own dog lead, I’m likely the only one who is going to figure it out. 

Cedar only slightly fu*ked by Ace.

The “I am wired to win” bit in Bishop’s book is funny. He is downright unsentimental, and what he means by that, I think, is that most of us are “wired to win” but at the wrong game. We need to adjust our expectations of ourselves and others to unmask that we’re winning at being stuck in the status quo. Well, fair enough. (Be warned that Bishop has a bit of a “bootstraps” approach and turns to unsavory characters like Machiavelli and Schwarzenegger for inspirational quotes.)

So as I ponder that little game-change, I want to relate something touching that Katrina recently relayed to me. She suggested that Cedar “brings out the best in me.” Two reactions here (beyond my thanks for that lovely thought): 1) Ongoing apologies to the rest of you , and 2) as Katrina well knows, that’s not an easy job. 

For now, dear reader(s), know in these dark days of December, I’m doing my best to take it on myself—well, with my willing, relentless, accepting, and impressively unfu*ked companion. 

Overflow

The first little creek we cross on our big tree walk provides a cautionary tale. Really just a trickle a week or two ago, it’s now eight or ten feet wide, and not frozen solid. This is the stuff of Iditarod nightmares and “To Build A Fire” moments. It’s also just a minor nuisance and a minor marvel on our walks. 

Apparently two conditions need to be in place for overflow. The ground below the flowing water needs to be frozen so there’s no absorption there, and the water needs enough “head” or hydrostatic pressure to rise through what would otherwise be a solid, frozen surface. 

We’ve spent a good chunk of the weekend out on Mendenhall Lake, feeling safe in part because so many others have been out recreating, including the Nordic Ski Club groomers, using grooming machines to pile up snow for classic skiing tracks. 

My buddy Marc showed me some crazy photos of overflow and refreezing that had formed on the lake prior to this snow. This is the area where a Nordic Ski Club groomer went through the ice several years ago. He belly-crawled away from his mostly submerged snow machine.  The volunteer groomers intended to arrange for a helicopter to hoist the sunken machine, but when fog foiled that plan, they used some ice screws and a come-along and dragged it to shore. “We were overthinking it,” my friend Peter was quoted as saying regarding the helicopter. 

Mendenhall Lake Overflow (photo by Marc Scholten)

Marc’s theory is that the wind coming across the lake from valley above the Nugget Falls area is the culprit, as gusts flex the surface ice sheets allowing water to come up through and disrupting solid freezing. Another groomer theorizes that water levels drop when the lake is still draining (via Mendenhall River), yet the ice holds fast to exposed shoreline, causing surface tension and rifts.

I can tell you this: Cedar and I were overthinking nothing this weekend. We skied across the ice. It held.

And the only thing overflowing in my kitchen right now is the peace (Lord help me) of a relaxed, snoring dog. 

Spotless

“There are in our existence spots of time,
That with distinct pre-eminence retain
A renovating virtue…”

William Wordsworth”The Prelude XII” (1805) [Lines 208-261]

When I was a kid, I thought Wordsworth had it all figured out: He saw the cool harmony between the natural world and the spiritual quest of man… it all fit together somehow. I remember my English teacher describing the idea of a “spot of time” as an epiphany. 

I’m not sure I ever truly figured out what a spot of time is, but it occurred to me this week that the 24hrs between November 30 and December 1 have “distinct eminence” for me, and not at all in the way the old Romantic suggested.

On November 30, 2018 I found myself trying to run, barefoot, down the stairwell from the 18th floor of the Sheraton Hotel in Anchorage. I had to stop after only a few floors because I was exhausted from getting knocked against the walls and trying to keep my balance in the near darkness while the fire alarm blared and the building’s girders moaned. I was carrying my shoes, luckily, because it was COLD outside.

On December 1, 2020 my buddy Steve rang the doorbell to alert us that the creek I had been monitoring most of the night in the back yard was nothing to worry about, at least compared to the torrent of water and mud running across the front yard and under the house in what we would name Mudageddon. (The same “atmospheric river” event killed two people in nearby Haines.) 

So, at the risk of welcoming December like a matador with a red handkerchief, I’m happy to report that I’m fine with missing this year’s Welcome-to-December anti-epiphany, in exchange for smooth-ski and happy-dog tracks, across the lake.  

Taking Our Time

In the pool locker room I overheard a dad say to his preschool aged son, “No rush, buddy. We have plenty of time.” That struck me as a lovely thing to say to a child. How often do most kids hear and feel the reverse?

Cedar and I have been trodding the same ground daily. I often wonder if she (and I) get enough exercise in a day. I’m realizing that the slower I go, the more she gets to move, explore, chase, sniff, and revel in the dry November woods. (It’s cold this week!) Earlier in the week, I re-read Thoreau’s “Walking,” and love how he takes up the word “saunter” with (maybe imaginary) roots in a trip to the holy land, à la Sainte Terre.

Sapsicle, anyone?

We saunter. Well, I saunter and Cedar does all those other dog verbs. And it’s good.

But it hit me this week that maybe that generous dad wasn’t telling his young son the whole story. With no snow, I’ve started to notice some Flintstone coffee-table sized slabs of rock strewn around in the washes and creeks that slice through the big tree trail. The flood events rewind the tape and show what’s been going on around here for a while. The mess they expose is also a glimpse into geologic time. 

It’s been a few since I’ve committed the geology periods to memory: Holocene, Pleistocene, etc. (So long in fact that my college mnemonic reveals more about who I was at 20 than any deep geo-knowledge… H was for “horny”…)… 

https://www.geologyin.com/2016/12/10-interesting-facts-about-geological.html

Anyway, I emailed my friend Cathy, author of Roadside Geology of Alaska, to ask her about these slabs. She’s one of those local geniuses who is so smart she can put things in terms I can almost understand. “On Wire St., above the gooey Gastineau formation which overlies the Triassic bedrock there ( up to about 700 feet in places) are metamorphosed ancient marine sea floor sediments and lava flows from dinosaur days—Taku Terrane Rocks.” 

So… the big trees on Cedar’s sniffing grounds are rooted in a thin, relatively recent (but still way before human life around here) organic layer, which covers the real action. When the plates collided in the fault that is today Gastineau Channel, the whole danged sea floor came up to be a mountain side. 

Put in that perspective, I realize that dad’s words to his son were a big, sweet lie. We do not have plenty of time. We are a blink.  But a good saunter, in a big tree Holy Land clinging to some thin dirt on a sideways sea floor, with the illusion that we have plenty of time, ain’t a bad way to spend our blink. I’m sure I speak for Cedar when I say, “We’ll take it.” 

Stick Season

“ And I’m split in half, but that’ll have to do, ooh, ooh…”

Noah Kahan, “Stick Season

“The beauty of things was born before eyes and sufficient to itself, the heart-breaking beauty
Will remain when there is no heart to break for it.”

robinson jeffers, “Credo”

My friend Jane recently wrote that there are two great things about living in Juneau: leaving and coming back. 

I’m catching up on being home. It is good to be back. Most recently, I withstood the sensory shock of blue skies, palm trees, and balmy weather in Southern California. Monday morning in the woods with Cedar filled my lungs and spirt with some dark moist November version of joy and dread—a feeling evoked in my twisted brain by T.S. Eliot’s phrase “woodsong fog.” 

Walking the big trees, I realized we’re smack dab in the middle of what Vermonters call “stick season.” My old buddy Jim introduced me to Noah Kahan, and it turns out that Katie’s a fan, too.

While I’m not planning on “drink[ing] alcohol ’til my friends come home for Christmas,” as Kahan puts it in “Stick Season,” (a lament of a lost love from a pining [ha ha] young man), I get the temptation. 

We have no snow. So the sticks stand out. But this ain’t Vermont. In our temperate coniferous rain forest, stick season gives a nice foil for all of the green that’s thriving. This week, I’ve been struck by the intricacy and resilience of the mini-verdure: sugar-scoop, water parsley, bunchberry dogwood, hairmoss, and Parmeliacae lichen, to name just a few.

Today the same Jane posted on social media a piece about how she needs to open herself up to view art. She scolds the “been there done that” iPhone snapping crowd in front of the Mona Lisa.

“What did they miss?  ‘The actual appalling presence,” Robinson Jeffers would call it….Stand there in front of [The Mona Lisa] for ten, twenty, thirty minutes and let it look you in the eye. Then it will show itself to you in a way you never expected.  It will not show itself that way to anyone else’s eyes but yours.”

Jane, Facebook

It hit me that maybe I’m doing something similar to Jane in her art museums here on my daily dog trods. I’m letting myself see what some might see in thirty minutes in front of a painting; it just takes me a lot longer. 

Today I marveled for the thousandth time about the “trees on tiptoes,” and thought about the now invisible nurse stumps that formed their perches. I had some big half-thoughts about how my father’s absence now shapes my foundation, and how through a similar process, my other ancestors may be absently formative in the shapes I take in the world. 

And then Cedar brushed by me en route to some crazy smell party, and I thought about Robinson Jeffers some more. I take some consolation these days in what I used to see as his bleak attitude. The ragged, dying and thriving forest behind home is good testament to the fact that things keep on going in a pretty good and green way long after me. 

That’ll have to do, ooh, ooh.

The Sun Also (Sort of) Rises

My friend Scott recently sent me a powerful set of reflections—moments of awakening, I’d say— each paired with an image of sunrise. The piece begins with a saying attributed to the Buddha: “Each morning, we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”

Shit. That’s a lot of pressure for days like this.  Sunrise was supposed to be at 7:44 this morning and it’s going to take a leap of faith to believe that it happened. Cedar and I walked for about 30 minutes right around then, and although it was technically light, it was stingy, dark, wet, grey light—plenty for Cedar to go squirrel chasing, but I could barely see the chaser or the chasee. 

As for the title of this post, maybe the drear (a word I just made up), has put me in a Hemingway mood. We’re no Lost Generation, but our kids, especially, have been through some strange times. The war in Ukraine rages, the election deniers and wanna-be autocrats push democracy though one stress test after another (it seems to be surviving!), the climate data are bad and worsening, Covid variants do their thing, but Cedar stays steady at her own helm (steering for squirrels or birds or the next swim). 

We have had a few moments of reprieve from the deep November grey of late. And I’ve recently had a chance to visit Tim, Katie, and my mom (Hi, Mom!), and old and new friends, while the brown one has been treated to the company of sweet house sitters far more athletic than the old man. 

So I wonder if the Buddha would negotiate. I’m fine with being born again each morning. Grateful, in fact, even on these gloomy ones. But could we extend the window a bit for what we do mattering? (It’s been a nice couple of weeks.)

Or maybe I should just feed the Buddha’s lines through Hemingway, and close this out with Jake’s response to Brett (who suggested they could have had so much fun together) at the end of The Sun Also Rises

“Isn’t it pretty to think so?”  

Not About Me

I get that this title is suspect given the self-indulgent nature of this blog. But I’ve just returned from almost two weeks without a dog-shadow, and thanks to “Aunt Jordan,” her first young housesitter love, Cedar went about her Cedar life, apparently without any hint of longing for the old man. She gave me a good show of wiggling when I came in the door last night, but by my lunchtime swim today, I swear I caught her wistfully wondering where Jordan was. Pretty sure our silent conversation went something like this.

“I know Jordan took you skiing. I’m not super happy that you got to ski before me this year.”

“Can we go?”

“I don’t have classic gear and nothing’s groomed for skate yet.”

“Can we go?”

“It’s super cold out and I have work to catch up on.”

“How ’bout now?”

We did not go. She had a very half-hearted play session with neighbor dog Ace today. Despite the day’s cold beauty, the Fall-behind time change has us both eating–and I hope both packing it in–early.

As I type, Cedar lets out a big sigh, as if to say, “Are you finally learning the lesson I’ve been trying to teach you since I got here? It’s so not about you, Dad.”

From the Editorial Board: This is a Dog Blog.

We try to remain behind the scenes and keep our standards as slack as Cedar’s leash should be (ahem), but we’ve recently been alerted to the need to clarify our mission.

This is a dog blog. It is not a cat blog for two important reasons:

  1. Cat does not rhyme with blog,

    and
  2. This.
Read the full text . We had to double check that it was Scientific American and not The Onion.

We are well aware of the dangers of polarized and binary thinking, yet we implore readers to give this research their scrutiny. While it starts out with a “no shit”…

It turns out that cats have a mischievous and somewhat dark reputation in neuroscience. There is research to suggest that a cat’s proximity to other mammals can cause them to behave strangely.

Jack Turban, “Are Cats Responsible for ‘Cat Ladies’? Scientific American, May 23, 2017.

it turns like a cat’s tail accidentally-on-purpose across your face to an “oh shit” …

This feline power has been attributed to a protozoan that lives in their stool, called Toxoplasma gondii (or Toxo for short).

JACK TURBAN, “ARE CATS RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘CAT LADIES’? SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN, MAY 23, 2017.

Turban likely has some cat-loving friends. He shies away from saying flat out that cats can make one crazy, but he does cite some vexing correlations between Toxo, schizophrenia, and psychosis.

We’re not going to mince words here. Cats are sure as hell responsible for cat ladies and probably plenty of cat dudes, too. They know exactly what they’re doing. As a wise friend reminds us, “There’s no ‘I’ in teamwork, but there is a cat in scat.”

(For the sake of unifying our readers, we’ll leave aside for now the emerging theory that cats are Republicans and dogs larger than handbags are Democrats.)

Enjoy your dog blog, please (especially the rhyme, because, well, the reason often eludes us…like that @#$%ing cat).

Back to our irregularly scheduled programming sooner or later. Maybe. – Eds.

Cedar doing her part to sustain her blog.

Recess

I was astonished when I first started elementary teaching. I had read about the value of going out to recess with the kids early on, and what I found there had nothing to do with me. Fourth graders from both classes, boys and girls alike, had a kickball game that had seemingly been going on for years. The rules were sophisticated and deeply respected. A kicker would step to the “plate” and order their choice of “pitches”… “Baby Bouncy” is the one I remember. The pitcher would give a slow rolled dribbling bounce to the earnest kicker and PING, the action would switch to fast forward. That game went on– rain, slush, or shine–nearly every recess all year. And the number of arguments were next to nil.

The other thing I remember from those elementary years is the sheer delight when snow would fall and the sleds — on a perfectly flat playground–would come out. The kids’ inventiveness and the hardwired NEED to play was never more impressive. They would drag each other around, find the slightest incline, and manage to have as much fun in ten minutes as I might have in a middle-aged year.

Of course, to be fair, there were plenty of other recess moments. The accusations of racism on the basketball court (somehow always the opposite of the kickball game), a fight, or the wall of crying girls outside my classroom after recess. I remember one afternoon making the decision to leave the classroom (I could hear the boys destroying the place) to try to get coherent stories from the girls who were barely able to breathe, much less tell me what was going on. And maybe the topper in the negative column, the day the father of one of those classroom-destroying boys came in to investigate his assumption that I was being unfair to his son. A big man–maybe 6’2, 200+ lbs, he sat on the floor and played our cooperative game in the morning. He answered questions and chomped his snack happily during read-aloud, but after recess, several kids came to me and said, “Mr. McKenna, Mr. V. was playing too rough at recess.”

I’ve been laughing lately that my work-at-home days have begun to take on the structure of my elementary teaching days. Cedar and I have our morning and afternoon walks, but I find she needs a little “recess” in between, which often consists of little more than my tossing the frisbee from the deck in stockinged feet.

Like those 4th grade kickballers, I’m finding she barely needs me.

We know that play is one of the seven steps to survival. We also know it is critical in the development of young hearts and minds. Here’s just one citation among a bajillion on the topic, this one from an American Academy of Pediatrics publication…

Despite the benefits derived from play for both children and parents, time for free play has been markedly reduced for some children. This report addresses a variety of factors that have reduced play, including a hurried lifestyle, changes in family structure, and increased attention to academics and enrichment activities at the expense of recess or free child-centered play.

The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds

My friend and colleague, Andrea Lunsford, pitches the necessity of play to higher ed profs as well. Citing the prevalence of mental health stresses on college-aged adults, Lunsford writes…

This year, more than ever, we need to make the most of these opportunities. But I think we need to do something more: we need to introduce students to the ludic nature of rhetoric and remind them of the crucial importance of play and playfulness to their learning and to their lives.  

Andrea Lunsford, “The Necessity of Play

I had to look up “ludic,” which means “showing spontaneous and undirected playfulness.”

Clearly my 14 month old sidekick is good at reminding me about the undirected part of it all. She sleeps quietly on a Sunday morning while I fumble for a way to tie up this ramble.

Tomorrow’s another school day, I suppose, with recess, snack, and plenty of tail wagging. (Please, friends, intervene if I add read-aloud to this list.) And you never know; there’s a little whiff of snow in the air.

Brown

In contrast to the verdant rapture of green, and the overtime bittersweet rally of yellow, it’s time to slog through, so as not to bog down in, brown.

If Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes, October in SE Alaska is the land of 10,000 atmospheric rivers. Epic rains make mud before washing it to sea. Even the ocean, like the wetlands around it, succumbs some days to brown. Most ferns have sent their chlorophyll packing, and Devil’s Club sends up a few futile yellow flares. Meanwhile mushrooms claim their place as if it’s the ’70s again, and it’s somehow cool to wear brown. (I wish I could forget my Dad’s brown suit, as he came home from yet another bad day in the recession, parking his beige wood-paneled Dodge Aspen. It’s amazing he didn’t disown us on the 100th try at “How’s your Aspen, Dad?”)

Wet logs, wet soil, wet dog, wet Tom. Hello, ides of October.

Brown is actually kind of a trip. I’ve learned that it’s not really a color. It’s just a human construct. I guess that makes sense. It’s not in the rainbow. There is no brown light. This computer monitor, which makes its colors by combining red, green, and blue lights, actually can’t make brown. (Turns out, red, blue, and green actually correspond to the colors our eyes’ cone-cells are best at seeing.) The monitor can only make dark orange, which, I’m told we only see as brown because of contrast or context. We see brown, and not dark orange, because of lighter images or sections of an image that provide contrast, or because of elements of context: that furry Volkswagen with legs and beady eyes is a brown bear; no time for debate.

Apparently, brown is an eye problem and a brain problem.

Juneau, we have a problem. Do I no longer have a brown dog? Is my dog, too, just a figment of my imagination? (Some days I wish.) And if she can be orange, why can’t my hair again be orange? (After last week’s trip to the Navajo Nation, I’ve decided my hair is sandstone, anyway. ) It also turns out that words for brown tend to evolve later (and in fact never appear in some) in languages. It’s as if even nature denies this state of things, and eventually, begrudgingly, we name it into existence.

But wait. All is not lost or turning to mud. A little new-age psychology will redeem this post. Here’s brown, all comforting and strong, with a little loneliness and vastness and isolation thrown in just to keep it real. Who knew a color actually had meaning?

And it may be even better. Even though water seems to be winning–especially the brown water–a bit of Feng Shui from the same article brings a sucker hole of hope. “Blue is a good color to combine with brown because of the earth-water harmony.”

Forecast for tomorrow is only partly cloudy. And my brownish dog — orange though she may be–is sleeping peacefully, evoking warmth, comfort, and security.

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