Name: Georgie Jones
Age: 35
– Most Employee of the Month Awards refused
– Most brutally honest
Why did you choose to work in airport security?
“Because I got laid off at my last job and this is the only thing I could find.”
But you like working at the airport?
“Hell no man, the only thing I do around here is tell people to take off their shoes and get rid of their drinks.”
Do you see yourself working here in five years?
“Not a chance. The first chance I get I’m out of here.”
Name: Bobby Ahmed
Age: 32
– Most passengers of Middle-Eastern descent screened.
– Most false alarms issued.
Why did you choose to work in airport security?
“To keep this beautiful freedom-loving country of ours safe from the bad guys.”
Who do you think are the bad guys?
“Well, I don’t want to point fingers, but there’s a sandy little part of the world that’s been a little bit jealous of us.”
You mean people of Middle-Eastern descent?
“Hey, you said it not me. But yes.”
It’s curious that you’re of Middle-Eastern descent yourself…
“Hey man, my parents are from Lebanon. That’s like the Canada of the Middle-East.”
Name: Lieutenant Thaddeus Phaddium
Occupation:
Head of Airport Security
Age: 55-80
Weight:
170 lbs weapon-free, 200 lbs fully loaded
What’s your favorite meal?
“Napalm in the morning. No scent. How am I gonna smell anything with my nose melted off? Ridiculous.”
What was the proudest moment in your life?
“One time, my unit was up in the mountains. ‘Nam. Air so cold you could feel it in your marrow. Ice storms, daily. We ran out of food on the fourth day. On the seventh, my best friend in the world – a man I’ll never forget, a brother to me – asked me to saw off my left leg so we could have a decent meal. I did it, right then and there, with a Swiss Army Knife. Turned out, he was a spy for the Viet Cong. A fuckin’ Commie bastard. I shot him in the head two days later, smiling into his eyes and whispering ‘I only love two things in the world more than I love you. The goddamn broad stripes, and the motherfucking bright stars. This is why you don’t fuck with America’. Then I ate both his legs. He was a wonderful man.”
What’s your favorite movie?
“I don’t watch movies. Unless they have lots of guns. I love guns. In terms of guns… I’d say my favorites are the SIG 550 Assault Rifle and my great uncle’s Civil War sawed-off. That old clunker of a shotgun has killed more people than I have. I hate the aim, but I love the competition.”
Name: Jodie Jinkum
Occupation:
Airport Security
Age:
34
Weight:
110 lbs in the morning, 160 at night
Face:
Forgettable
Demeanor:
Memorable
What was your first pet?
“Shaquille died when I was two months old, so he doesn’t count. Then we got Smallie Pigs, I guess. I think he was just a rotted avocado with a sharpie face, but my parents told me he was a real live gerbil. I loved that gerbil. Then he really started to stink so we threw him in the compost. R.I.P., P.I.G.”
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
“Button is a place, right? Oh, Bhutan? Yeah, whatever, I hear they get high as fuck over there. Sign me up.”
Favorite Jellyfish?
“The one with the chubby fangs. NO, wait… yeah, the one with the chubby fangs.”
Name: Abedeen Parris
Occupation:
Airport Security
Age:
39
Weight:
Manageable
Hometown:
Athol, MA
What’s your biggest regret?
“I got two three tongue piercings, twice, and no nose piercing at all. It would be OK, except I’ve always had a firm rule with myself that I would only ever get six body piercings. I never break my rules. You have to stay true to yourself. On the plus side, I’ve been told I give great head.”
What’s your dream job?
“Oiling up male models for photo shoots. 80 hours a week. Don’t worry – I have extensive experience, and at least three enthusiastic references.”
What’s your perfect date?
“I mentioned oil already, right? Um. There are lots of oil alternatives, I guess. Liquid chocolate, maple syrup, Sri Racha, Everclear… If it’s liquid and won’t kill me, I’m all about that.”
Any last comments?
“The second ‘r’ is silent. Don’t forget it.”
Name: Craig
Age: 32
– Most bathroom breaks of any employee
– Most female pat-downs
How long have you been working in airport security?
“I have been here for almost 7 years now. Pretty proud because I have worked my way up to operating the scanning machines all by myself.”
What is your favorite thing about working here?
“My favorite thing? I would have to say the people. Yea, the people. We have lots and lots of travelers coming through here every day. So many different types of people pass through here. We have blondes, and brunettes, and even redheads sometimes!”
What is the hardest part of your job?
“Probably having to confiscate stuff. I feel bad because some people don’t remember that you can’t bring anything you want on a plane. Like if somebody has alcohol in their bag, I HAVE to take it. That’s my job. Do I like it? No. But I have to do it.”
Name: Wesley Fairfield
Age: 54
Position: Airport Director
Can you describe what your job as an Airport Director entails?
“Yes sir. I think I have the most important job here actually. My job is to keep all the agents in line. Security is the number one priority here at Dick Cheney International and I make sure that everything runs smoothly. There is no funny business allowed here. None at all.”
What has been your favorite memory from your time working here?
“We won the Transportation Security Agency’s award for “cleanest security line” on May 23rd, 2012. I have that plaque hanging in my office and I make sure to give it a tap every day. Really, really proud of that one.”
What advice would you give aspiring airport employees?
“Remember that every single traveler is your customer. You have to treat every single one of them like you would want to be treated. Do you want the best customer service? Yes. Then you must give the best customer service. That is our motto around here.”
Name: Lavender Lilyworth
Age: 23
What do you love about the Dick Cheney International Airport?
“Oh I just love it here!! Everybody who works here is just amazing. I am always greeted with the best smiles and the warmest welcomes. I wish all airports were this inviting!”
How often do you come through the airport?
“As often as I can! I am based out of this airport, so I get to see all of the smiling faces multiple times a week. It’s great because I have made so many friends here. Jodie is just the best! I am just so happy to see everybody all of the time!”
Would you recommend this airport to travelers?
“Oh, yes!! Of course! The sweetest security in all of the country, always looking out for your safety and your wellbeing!”
Name: Forgotten
Age: ??
– Longest serving security employee
How long have you been working here?
“52 years.”
Do you love your job?
“No.”
What gets you excited about coming to work every day?
“Getting to leave at the end of the day.”
Why do you continue to work here?
“They pay me.”
Name: Chetwick
Occupation:
Pilot
Age:
35 years young
Weight:
165 lbs, 2% body fat
Do you have any hobbies?
“Hobbies are for angsty momma’s boys and closeted homosexuals. I have passions.”
What are your passions?
“Being passionate. With women, of course. Many women. Too many to even count. I have enough passion to go around, you know what I mean? Maybe two, three hundred. Like I said, too hard to keep track. Probably around 264, though. Definitely in that range. Triple digits, no doubt.”
What’s one thing you wish you could say on the speaker to the people riding your plane?
“I hope you’re even drunker than I am. If so, and you’re a blonde, report to my cockpit in thirty minutes, and I’ll show you around. Just the first part, though, not the pit. It’s thirty degrees and sunny, folks. Flight time is 69 minutes. Autopilot says it’s gonna be a helluva ride. Best of luck.”