The Class Notes {Of Your Mind}

One humorist’s take on an alumni magazine staple: Class notes.

Alison Crane just received her MS in Environmental Progress from Oxford and Cambridge and is on track to receive three Ph.D.’s in Academic Excellence from the Sorbonne, Harvard, and Yale respectively. She lives in a floating house in Beijing and made a robotic dog out of compost. The dog cooks breakfast for her and her incredible husband, Arnaud, the last remaining relative of Johannes Gutenberg. * Linda Ray and John Frankley were married in a beautiful ceremony overlooking a glistening bay on top of a secret mountain made of gold in the Adirondacks. You didn’t know there was a mountain made of gold in the Adirondacks, did you? Well, there is, and that’s where the wedding was. All of your closest friends were there, except you, since you had to stay in the city and work on a PowerPoint presentation about how to reduce the number of PowerPoint presentations in the new fiscal year. Linda says, “It was the best weekend of everyone’s life. Seriously. It was so so so so so fun. Oh, man! If only you were there. You really missed out. Wow! I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about how much fun we all had on top of the golden mountain and then, later that day, swimming in the glistening bay. We also saw four moose.” * Brian Arnold just got back from multiple trips to Thailand to consult with his new company, the Thailand Company for Extremely Successful Businessmen. He also wants to remind you that he still disagrees with all the things you said in your Chaucer Seminar sophomore year and, as his final Blue Book essay proves, The Miller’s Tale definitely includes consistent elements of dramatic irony. The fact that you never picked up on that is laughable. * Speaking of right and wrong, That Guy Who Lived Across the Hall freshman year still has possession of your original Nintendo and the first three Super Mario Brothers games. You left it in a box outside your room on the last day of the semester while you were moving out, and he stole it. “In your face!” he says, holding up the game system triumphantly from the basement of the glass house that he built with his bare hands in Syracuse, N.Y. * Lindsey Braider is at med school in Boston and having a blast with her roommates, Ashley Payne and Monica Saronson. Med school’s great and all, she says, but they mostly just sit around and talk about how they still have huge crushes on you, even after all these years. Lindsey, especially, sits by the phone most nights waiting for you to call and tell her you still have feelings for her, and she definitely remembers that one night at the Khakis-and-Pirates party in Gifford where you did that hilarious impression of Tommy Lee Jones’s character in Men in Black. She’s laughing now just thinking about it. Dude, you should totally call Lindsey. * Jack Strauss found $29,450 on the ground outside Port Authority. He’d love to take you out for a beer after you’re done with that last PowerPoint presentation. “You’ve been working so much, you really deserve a beer and some fries!” Jack says. Your class correspondent agrees. * Erin Mariner never went to Middlebury and does not exist. You made her up that summer after freshman year when your ex-girlfriend asked if you were seeing anybody. But, if she did exist, she’d agree that you’ve really got to hold off on all those PowerPoint presentations and hit up that golden mountain in the Adirondacks. And go get back your old Nintendo.

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  1. This was hilarious.

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by bb_mke and ActiveMinds/HDC, BB. BB said: Just because it's funny: One humorist’s take on an alumni magazine staple – Class notes. http://bit.ly/918MGT [...]

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We hope to create a lively discussion on MiddMag.com and invite you to add your voice. Please keep comments civil and relevant to the news item at hand. MiddMag.com may remove comments that do not follow these guidelines.

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