It wasn’t before recently that I realised how attached I am to the idea for security. My best friend since 9th grade revealed he was in love with me and ceased having any contact with me whatsoever.
What hurt the most was losing ground. Feeling left alone, seeing how someone can throw you out of his life with as much as a wave. But the most intimidating thing of all is having your whole feeling of safety evaporate.
S. was my point of balance. He was my pivot giving me the freedom and confidence to run naked in the world and explore its vastness without fear. Simply knowing that he was there and he cared was enough for me to make the world my playground and feed my curiosity as long as I would like to or at least until I hurt myself and run back for help (his wanting to help me being enough to cure me).
My way of thinking about our friendship was nothing extraordinary on its own. Years of togetherness sew in me this feeling of comfort so sweet and valuable in a friendship and so poisonous If you try to make it something more. Revealing myself as deeply as possible to imagine, I set this friendship to be what most of us build for themselves in one way or another- a harbour of security. I stole my friend’s freedom to be who he is in exchange for making him this single trusted person I could go back to when everything had fallen apart- a hero of his own power.
Losing your balance makes you feel nauseous. Kids play fearlessly only when they know there is someone to watch out for them. When they hurt themselves they cry to call for attention. If there is nobody to look for you or just be there for you, you are alone with the pain.
Talking with Mitko about the things I want to improve in myself yesterday, I got a glimpse of something I did not see before.
For a moment, it looked like my whole desire for self-development was nothing else but another attempt to ensure myself security, to escape in a way.
As if I practice this or that, I will not experience the situations that frustrate me or scare me- the ones that make me feel weak or out of control.
Life is not safe. Security is an illusion. A well preserved one. One to fight for, to lie yourself for, to live for and to die for. Still, illusion.
I am insecure. Sometimes I want support. I am still not self-sufficient.
May be it is enough to be honest about it. To be mindfull and consciously investigate your behaviour and your whole being for hidden attachments. To push yourself towards everything that ever scares you. To free yourself without fear and to set up free everyone else you may be holding on to with Love. And learn that Love is with us and within us in every single moment of our being. If only we can recognize it.
Practice will show.
♥Maggie Nazer is a social entrepreneur, activist, blogger and current Middlebury college student.