Xenia Plays Sports, Too

Members of Xenia, the substance-free house, stunned the campus this past Tuesday when they announced they also played sports.

Their self-pronounced leader, asking only to be referred to by his gaming name—XLord69—had this to say to our Crampus reporter, who stumbled into Xenia thinking it was Tavern: “I am aware that we receive negative publicity as the sole refuge from drunken debauchery on this campus. That, however, is no reason to believe that we Xenians do not engage in what the general populace terms ‘sports.’” With this statement, he made a grand motion with his arms towards a pile of board games that lay below a Pee-Wee Herman poster.

When pressed for comment as to what sports exactly were played by Xenia, XLord69 walked over to the pile and picked up a battered copy of Connect Four. “If does not qualify as one of your sports, my good man,” he said, “than I do not know what would.” The pimply-faced leader proceeded to bring our poor reporter into the ‘Xenia Sports Room’, where the house members were engaged in furious clashes of skill as they played Risk, Lego Chess, and the Barbie Detective Xbox game. One could tell by their sweaty armpits and squinted eyes that these competitions were as worthy of the Olympics as any sport played on this campus. Our reporter, realizing he was not an athlete of Xenia caliber, made a hasty retreat soon after witnessing this scene.

When asked for comment upon this news that Xenia supposedly also played sports, the Middlebury College athletics teams rose up, roared with enough strength to be heard across the land, and ripped apart Xenia with their bare hands. All that our reporter could later recover from the scene was Barbie Detective.

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