In honor of the Dalai Lama, Middlebury College recently announced its decision to “Divest from war” and reinvest those funds into Jesus.

“That’s one stock that’s never going down!” President Leibowitz said, “That and the Vatican.  The Vatican is one badass-motherfucking bank!”

Vatican bonds currently account for 34% of the profit of Middlebury’s endowment, which combined with a 32% loss from investments in all-white-non-Hispanic Vermont businesses, comes to net yearly gain of nearly 2%.

“We’re doing better than ever before!” President Leibowitz went on.

Middlebury plans to use the extra money to open up a new language school devoted entirely to archaic Greek dialects.  The new school will be located in an obscure region of northern California and will in no way affect the lives of current Middlebury students.

—Samuel Johnson