Monthly Archives: April 2013

Dalai Lama’s Plan of his speech; bullet points

First things first: talk about my Gall Bladder. 

(Show scar maybe? Chicks dig scars right?)

 

Decide in advance if I should wear a hat or not

 

Scare lady

Hehehehe, I’m such a jokester!

 

In case of politically charged question regarding China, don’t mention that kegger I went to with Hu Jintao.

 

Figure out who the dude who keeps standing behind me is.

Seriously, the way he interrupts me is getting a bit rude.

 

Urge Middlebury to Divest From All Military and Unsustainable Investments

This is pretty important, hope I have time to get around to this point.

 

Middlebury College To Divest From War

In honor of the Dalai Lama, Middlebury College recently announced its decision to “Divest from war” and reinvest those funds into Jesus.

 

“That’s one stock that’s never going down!” President Leibowitz said, “That and the Vatican.  The Vatican is one badass-motherfucking bank!”

 

Vatican bonds currently account for 34% of the profit of Middlebury’s endowment, which combined with a 32% loss from investments in all-white-non-Hispanic Vermont businesses, comes to net yearly gain of nearly 2%.

 

“We’re doing better than ever before!” President Leibowitz went on.

 

Middlebury plans to use the extra money to open up a new language school devoted entirely to archaic Greek dialects.  The new school will be located in an obscure region of northern California and will in no way affect the lives of current Middlebury students.

 

—Samuel Johnson