The only nice new thing that Middlebury College gave its students this year was immolated in a sunburst of incompetence last Monday when freshman Bell Johnson managed to break the juicer in Ross. Witnesses remain unclear as to how the maladroit broke a simple piece of equipment composed of metal and a maximum of two moving parts. “It was mangled beyond repair. I’ve never seen such a simple tool take abuse in such a novel way.”

The decommissioning of the juicer comes at a sensitive time. The juicer incident played a crucial role in Middlebury’s attempts to replace the Health Center with orange juice and platitudes. Scurvy cases on campus are projected to skyrocket.

For all non-freshmen capable of following directions, the story is continued on page 17.

For freshmen, just read on.